I'm back - what an insane couple of weeks. Thanks to everyone who shared thoughts and prayers - it was appreciated, even if I haven't been in the frame of mind to say so. We're starting to get back to normal, or at least a semblance thereof. I don't think that we'll ever quite be the same after this. Two weeks ago I had one of the worst experiences of my life, and I suppose that what's starting to happen is that I'm adapting my perception of normal.

Well, anyway - enough about that. We still have questions that need to be answered; we don't even know the baby's gender yet. Hopefully we'll have those in the next few weeks and gain at least some sense of closure around this whole mess. It's been utterly surreal - two weeks ago we were still trying to decide on names.

It's been a long week. We learned Tuesday that we lost the baby. We're in complete shock - there was no indication that anything was wrong. I'll be away from the blog for a bit - please pray for us in this difficult time.

News Update

What a crazy couple of weeks! As you can no doubt guess from my news last week, we're scrambling to get things in order. We've put our house on the market, so most of my spare time has been spent either preparing our home for prospective buyers or searching for a new home with my wife. It's not the best time to sell, but it's a good time to buy, so we're feeling perhaps less nervous than we were a few months ago. Also, most of the work is done on our place, so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. As is probably obvious, our home search has taken on a new sense of urgency - our little two bedroom townhouse is tight with three boys; I can't imagine packing a fourth child into the mix.

More updates of course as we get them - we do want to find out the gender, since at this point its less a novelty for us and more a question of how much stuff we'll need to buy. A girl would be completely new territory for us. Please, if you would, pray that our house search goes well, that our current place sells in a timely manner, and that the pregnancy continues to be smooth.

News

Good and Tired

I'm just coming off a fantastic weekend. My wife and kids are off to NY to visit family for a few days, so I took the opportunity to get together with my gaming buddies. As it so happened, we had something of a perfect storm - both of their wives were also away on Saturday, so lacking any other obligations, we chucked cards and threw dice and smoked pipes and had a ridiculously good time. We made it through two full games of War of the Ring (a multi-hour wargame based on Lord of the Rings, currently one of my faves); I lost the second game on the last turn as Frodo succumbed to the corruption of the ring standing at the brink of the Crack of Doom. Several games of Settlers of Catan were also in the mix - Cities and Knights as always but also including Fishermen, which is an excellent little expansion that was a magazine insert a few months ago and is relatively easy to track down (as well as being a bargain at generally under five bucks). If you're a Settlers fan, you owe it to yourself to get this one. In addition, we sampled a few new ones - Hive, which was fun but light (you can play it online at hivemania.com); Citadels, which was an instant favorite; and Twilight Struggle, which has immediately moved to the top of my "must haves" list. We started with WotR on Friday night at 9pm, and when we were finished went immediately into Settlers. We finally crashed at about 4am, slept until 11, and dove right back into Settlers after breakfast. The last game of the day was Twilight Struggle, which wrapped up at about 2am this morning. I haven't done this much gaming in ages - and I'm exhausted.

Gaming is such a fulfilling hobby. I think a lot of folks might read this list and wonder how I could sink close to 20 hours in one weekend into board games. For me, games have it all - the thrill of competition, the challenge of strategy and tactics, the rush of victory and the camaraderie of good friends. If you think of things like Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit when you think of board games, you need to know that the mass market crap that lines the shelves of your local big box retailer can't possibly compare to the fine offerings that you'll find at a smaller hobby-oriented games shop. There is a game to fit every person, whether you want competition or cooperation, a ten minute filler or a four hour dicefest, and they'll all offer something more than your standard roll the dice, move the piece insomnia cure with a Milton Bradley logo on the front.

I was going to say something about the recent Mark Driscoll thing, but to be honest, I'm in too good of a mood and I'm running on five hours of sleep. Maybe Driscoll should sit down with Pagitt, McLaren, and Bell for a game of Catan and a good cigar.

I'm Still Not Dead Yet

August has turned out to be even more insane than I thought. We've made it through my son's eighth birthday, our twelfth anniversary, and a family wedding. Last week, though, we decided to bite the bullet and put in an offer on a new home. Now, I consider myself to be a pretty simple person when it comes to material things, but we've really outgrown our current place - we're packing three kids and a dog into a two bedroom townhouse, so it's really starting to get crowded. We found a really great four bedroom home in a nearby neighborhood that's within our (admittedly very modest) budget. It's not really that big (which I like), and it has a fantastic yard and a very functional layout inside. It's been crazy, though, since our offer was accepted and we now have to get our home ready to sell. All of the projects that I've been putting off for the past few years now have to be completed inside of a week. Lucky me.

The whole thing really has me thinking hard about economics and suburban life and what these things look like in the Kingdom. By most standards in our culture, this is a really modest home, which is something that's important to us - Joy and I both agree that we want to get the smallest home that is still functional for our family so that more of our resources can be directed towards the things of the Kingdom. But by the standards of many throughout the world, even our current home would be luxurious. It's an odd sort of thing to navigate - I'm trying to be responsible in how I spend my resources, but I still feel as though I'm being wasteful simply by virtue of living in a first-world country. Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it's not necessarily a bad tension to experience, I think.

On the reading front, I'm working on a few books that I need to review, so I'm going to try to get those posted soon. I'm also working my way through a collection of essays by Stanley Hauerwas called A Better Hope. Hauerwas is one of my favorite theologians, someone that I think more folks in emerging circles should read. He's one of those rare theologians that manages to critique both modernity and postmodernity with equal force, and he manages to integrate some good thinking on things like nonviolence and economics as well (things that often get left out of the discussion, but that I'm increasingly coming to believe are central to it). I'm continuing to think on the topic of New Creation as well, even though it's been over a month since my last post on the subject - I'm not giving up on it, just waiting for my plate to clear a bit before jumping back in.

In the Pipeline

I've been traveling for work over the past few days - I had training in Washington DC on Thursday and Friday, which meant a three hour drive after work on Wednesday and then another after my training on Friday. What a miserable way to spend an evening - man, I hate driving. It was made even worse by a toll collector in Baltimore who shorted me $5. I, of course, didn't realize this until I hit the next toll plaza and found myself without sufficient cash for the toll. Now I get to find out if those cameras at the toll booths really work. At any rate - I'm caught up on comments now, so if you were waiting for a response from me, it should be up.

On a positive note, I have a few things in the pipeline. Not posts, although I have a few of those as well. I'm thinking games - I've got a few fun new items on the way that I'm absolutely looking forward to breaking open. First is Seafarers of Catan - I've been bitten by the Catan bug, it seems, because I can't stop playing it. Fortunately, it's simple enough that my boys can play, so I thought I'd grab the first expansion. Cities and Knights is probably out of their league, but I think they can handle islands and shipping. The second is a bit of a gamble on my part - I don't usually buy games sight unseen, especially good quality games (because they ain't cheap). I've been looking for something that has some solitaire scenarios, though, as it's hard at the moment to get a group together for the kind of games that I'm into (read: War of the Ring). So I stumbled on Wings at War, which is a card-based simulation of WW1 fighter combat. The reviews are generally good, although the ratings are a bit lower than I'd like for something that I've never played. But it sounds really intriguing, as the fighter combat is resolved through the use of cards - and I'm a sucker for card games. And it has one-player scenarios - that to me made it worth the gamble. Fantasy Flight puts out some great products, so I hope this is up to their usual standards. I'll post a review after I get to try it out. I'm also hoping to grab Tide of Iron, but it's pretty hard to find at the moment. And at $80 I need to order this one online - I can't afford to pay retail for it. At least I'll have a few goodies to tide me over until I can get my hands on it.

I don't post about gaming often, but for a long time it was a huge part of my life, until my local comic shop closed. Recently I find myself really missing it. Any other gamers out there? What are you currently playing?

Technorati Tags: gaming

Searching for New Creation

I think that at least a part of my recent funk, and part of what I referred to as the attempt to hold together things that I can no longer hold together, comes from what I perceive to be an increasing distance between the God of the scriptures and the god of the church. For many of us who have been involved with emerging church-related stuff for some time now, this may seem to be little more than a truism, a mere stating-of-the-obvious. But I think it also fair to say that many of us, contra the "angry young man" syndrome (thank you Don Carson, gender-centric language included), have long held out a hope that we were participating in something of a prophetic movement, a call to the traditions from which we came to return to scripture, to stop serving the interests of political parties, to be hospitable and welcoming to those who are not a part of our faith traditions, and to seek justice and mercy for the poor and oppressed. And, in testimony to the prophetic character of the movement, many of us have experienced pain, ridicule, and hostility, and some have lost jobs and relationships and more. But I think there has long been, for many folks, a desire that our traditions would enter into the conversation and find something that they currently lack.

Maybe I paint with too broad a brush - I don't mean to imply that all is right and glorious and noble that carries the label "emerging". Far from it - I've often shared my criticisms of the ways in which this sort of thing is worked out, some of which are most definitely not prophetic in any real sense. But I think the general thrust of the ec is right and necessary, or at least what is necessary at this particular moment, and when it is firing on all cylinders, it is a beautiful thing.

Part of my frustration, then, is what I perceive as a circling the wagons of conservafundagelicalism. And this is a bigger thing that just emerging church, just to be clear - the exhibition of jackassery that is the latest Big Mac Attack is only floating at the periphery of my vision on this. It's also the insanity that is James Dobson's call for the firing of an NAE official for emphasizing global warming as a moral issue. It is the silence of the Religious Right on issues such as torture. It's the neo-gnosticism that masquerades as gospel, with a spiritual heaven and a spiritual salvation and a spiritual Jesus who really doesn't give a rat's behind about what happens in the here-and-now, so long as you're not sleeping around and are pissed off at people who are. Not that any of this is new - it's been going on for a long time. It's part of why I abandoned that ship in the first place. What bothers me of late is more the recent reaffirmation and intensification of these things, in the face of all of the calls for something new. They're doing fine, thank you - in fact, Jesus must really like them, because nobody else does. And we all know that Jesus is proud of us when nobody likes us.

On a personal note, I had a conversation with a friend today who's being put through the wringer at his church. I won't divulge details as it's not my story to tell - but I will say this: until we figure out that power and authority function differently in the Kingdom, we should run from positions of responsibility. We should be like Joseph, leaving things behind in our efforts to get out of there before we are caught and corrupted. Power is a dreadful thing when it's wielded without grace and humility - but it seems that we haven't realized that yet. Story after story - my own story included - leads me to believe that we just don't see the connection. Whether it's the Religious Right or Johnny Mac on a broad scale, or some random guys on staff at a church down the street, the faith tradition of my youth is enamored of power and displays no sense of embarrassment or shame about it. Somehow, they can read the scriptures and walk away thinking that what they do is just fine - and I'm left asking what in the world they're reading.

If you want to know why people are walking away from the Christian faith, let me break it down for you in a non-scientific, non-validated study: it's because we are jerks. Or, let me be more fair - it's because the people who represent the faith on a public basis often sound like jerks. And I know that's a crass generalization that doesn't get anywhere near the truth, that there are far more humble and gracious and loving people in the body of Christ than the ones who always seem to find themselves behind the microphone. But until we start to shout down the jerks in our midst, until we can be heard saying that it's not fine to treat people like sub-humans or to wield power to suit our own ends and not to serve others, then we will continue to lose credibility and the right to be heard.

The problem is that we are supposed to be the people of the New Creation. Paul says in 2 Corinthians that if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creation - or at least that's how it's translated. I've been wondering of late if what he really means is that when someone is in Christ, that is the new creation. You can read it like this: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ - New Creation! The old is gone, the new is come!" The New Creation is being put on display in front of the Old, in the people who are In Christ (which is always how Paul refers to the status of being a part of the Kingdom). The Church (big C) is supposed to be the place of the breaking-in of the Age to Come into the present age. And when we fail at our vocation of being that demonstration of New Creation, then the Kingdom appears just a bit more weak, just a bit more insubstantial, just a bit more frail and imaginary. And that is something of which to be ashamed and dismayed.

Blog Funk

I think there are three kinds of bloggers: first, there are those who post like mad, chronicling each and every moment and instance of their lives. Or linking to every bit of whatever that someone else has so chronicled. These folks have multiple posts per day and could probably generate daily archives if they so chose. The motto for these folks might be, "More is more." Second, you have folks that post every so often. And, if these folks have been around for a while, they probably post substantive bits that attract attention. Every post is worth reading - but there aren't that many of them, maybe a few a week - and they're fine with that. The motto for these folks is probably, "Less is more." The third kind are the folks who post like the second group but feel the need to post like the first. They feel the lack of content and are self-conscious about it. The motto for these folks is generally, "Less is less." (Ok, there is a group of uber-bloggers who post with the frequency of the first and the substance of the second. They are something more than human. Think Scot McKnight. They have earned the title uber-blogger, and mere mortals cannot aspire to their greatness.)

I definitely fall into the third category. I'm self-conscious about blogging, and I definitely feel the lack when there isn't any new content. I take it personally when people drop subscriptions and whatnot. And I'm self-critical about what I write, going back and tweaking word choices and punctuation in a way that probably borders on OCD. But I'm also not much of a linker - I'd much rather write my own stuff than put up a bunch of links to other people's content. Not that I'm disparaging such by any means - I find the most helpful stuff by following links from people who are good at filtering content. It's just not me.

So I know there's been a lack of stuff here of late. I've got a half-finished series that's sitting on the back burner and I owe another post on a group blog that I was invited to participate in. It's just not there. I don't think I've ever had a funk like this in three and a half years of blogging. In truth, the blog is just one of the symptoms - I'm not reading anything exciting and I'm not really thinking anything original or challenging. I'm at a point where it feels like I'm having the same conversations over and over, and I'm bored with them. Cynicism has been running high of late - part of why I'm not writing much is that I try to leave as much of that off the blog as I can (although it creeps in from time to time anyway). I feel like I've spent a long time trying to hold some things together that I just can't hold any longer, and it's not been pleasant. I am less hopeful for the future of the American church than I have been for a long time. From where I sit, the two primary interpretations of the gospel (depending on the stream in which one swims) seem to be either:

1) You suck, and you need to follow Jesus so that you can suck less. Oh, and vote Republican.

Or

2) Don't be mean to people. Oh, and don't vote Republican.

To be honest, I'm not buying either. And most other folks around here aren't either, those that haven't downed the Kool-aid anyway. There needs to be something bigger than that - no, that's not accurate. There is something bigger than that, at least in the scriptures I read. I just can't seem to figure out why there's so much difficulty in articulating it. Why do we sell out for such small, pathetic stories? Why is it so hard to read the text and walk away thinking, "The Kingdom has come, and it changes everything?" That, if anything, seems to be pretty straightforward.

I had a great conversation with someone at work recently, talking about social networking and how it could be used to alleviate poverty and bring resources to bear on local issues. And I mentioned that one of the natural venues for such networking to my mind is local faith communities. Her response was that she simply doesn't know enough people who have any interest in church or religion for that to be viable. I suggested that perhaps one reason that folks were tuning out is that religion in America has so often had nothing to say about daily life, about offering resources for doing things like helping the poor in local neighborhoods and about making sense of work and family and connecting faith with how we live in the everyday. I know that's a generalization, but I think it's true to many folks' experiences. And my conversation partner thought it was a valid observation and something to consider, so I take it that it's true to her experience as well. I know that it's true to mine. We're fortunate enough to be a part of a wonderful local church that we absolutely love - but based on a lot of anecdotal evidence that I encounter, I think it's the exception, unfortunately.

I don't know - I need to find something to get the juices flowing again, to generate some excitement and impetus to keep imagining. Right now, it's just not there. And I mean that in a bigger sense than just this little old blog.

Back

My hand is healing nicely - many thanks to those of you who dropped by. The burns have healed much more rapidly than I had expected; I'm able to function normally with no pain and only a small amount of discomfort. I still don't have 100% of the feeling back in my fingers where the most severe burns were, but I expect that to return soon.

On another note, I have a new theory about communicable diseases. I suspect that most germs would quickly die out were it not for toddlers. I've taken to calling Ryan (my 13-month old) the Petri dish. Not only will he put nearly anything in his mouth, thus ensuring that he will catch the maximum number of bugs, but he has tiny sinus cavities, resulting in an endless stream of toxic sludge for the duration of his cold. Of course, I've been hammered by his latest catch for the past several days, which for me means that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, and I'm running a near-constant low grade headache. Still, that's beginning to improve as well, and I hope to be back up to speed within a few days.

All of that to say that posting should now return to normal. I'm continuing to think about the subject of scriptural tensions - I've been taking my time with these, because I find that they need a bit more care than I'm used to taking with my writing. This is, I think, fitting on some level, but it has meant that I've been working through this more slowly than I'd like. After this, I have a few book reviews that I've promised to do, and then I want to start to delve into the question of the gospel - what is it, how does it function in the NT, and what does it look like in our world? I also should have some updates soon on where we are with the church planting process - this has also been proceeding slowly, but we're starting to round a few corners and, if all goes well, it should be picking up steam soon.

Time Away

I've been lax in responding to comments this week - we've taken some time to visit my wife's family and internet access is a bit dicey here. It's been an interesting week - we took some time today to tour the American Museum of Natural History in NYC, which was fantastic, and of course it's been nice to spend time with family that we don't see very often. Lowlights include spending most of Monday making a batch of chicken stock only to have my mother-in-law wash a pot and empty the soapy water into the cooling stock. Also, NYC is a pain in the tail. Seriously. I don't know what it is about the place that prompts such overinflated prices, but there isn't a bacon cheeseburger on the planet that's worth the $15 I dropped on one today.

At any rate, I'll be back on Monday. Responses will be spotty until then. Best wishes for a fantastic New Year!

Play On, Jazz Man

This was one of those weeks that sneaks up from behind and clobbers you repeatedly with a blunt object. I've felt more drained this week than I have for a long time; on all fronts, it seems, I've felt stretched and stressed. The project that I'm leading at work has reached the point where my team takes on the bulk of the work. And it's been rough - we're testing a data warehouse, but we've had environment issues aplenty, which means that we'll try to log onto the system to complete our tests only to find that the system is down and we can't log on. What's happened as a result is that I've had to take on more of the individual effort than I'd anticipated, which isn't good for me or for the team. Because my team will be using the system once it elevates, I'd rather have them more involved in testing now - but that hasn't really happened, and there's not much I can do about it, except keep treading water.

I don't write about work often - I have a good job, meaning that I do interesting things for good people, even if at times I struggle with wanting to do something more meaningful. But this week it's really been kicking my tail. Which leads to the other item on my plate - today I was scheduled for an assessment session to determine whether I'd be a good fit as a church planter with the BiC. I was really pumped about this, if a bit apprehensive, but it also meant a bit of extra work on my part. I've been doing personality assessments and typing up a bio and something of a visioning proposal - I'm not sure what else to call it, basically a rough sketch of what it is that I want to do. For some reason, I had such a hard time pulling it together. Maybe it's just that I'm trying to put into words something that's only existed as a half-baked dream in the back of my head for such a long time, or maybe it's that this represents the first concrete step in moving that dream into reality. I'm not sure why, exactly, but it was more effort than I anticipated. However, I got a call yesterday that there was a mixup in the scheduling of the assessment, and that I was going to be bumped back to January. On the one hand, this is a good thing, as my wife will be able to participate (that was the reason for the reschedule); on the other hand, now I'm waiting two months. It's not a big deal, really - it was a bit of miscommunication and I completely understand what happened, so I'm not complaining in the least. It's more of the feeling of a bit of air being let out of my balloon, so to speak.

On the other hand, I celebrated my birthday this week. I don't really make a big deal out of birthdays - it's just a day, just a number. Thirty-two isn't exactly a milestone to get excited about. But to be honest, this was a good birthday. We went out for pizza as a family on Thursday, and then my wife and I were able to have an actual date last night. And she surprised me by springing for something that I've been wanting for a while - a nice Global santoku. Now, I'm of the opinion that a block of expensive knives that sit on a person's counter but never get used for their proper purposes is a real waste. But I'm also convinced that there are some things that are not worth buying cheaply. A cheap knife that cannot be sharpened properly and that does not hold its edge is also a real waste. I think that one finely crafted blade is worth more than a dozen specialty tools that do not work properly - and this santoku is one finely crafted blade. It's a bit shorter than a typical chef's knife, coming in at about 7 inches. But I love the shape, as I feel like I get more use of the edge and more control of the tip. Global's edge has more curve than some, which makes it a fine tool for chopping as well as slicing. And the balance is perfect - the center of gravity is precisely at the bolster, which means the blade and handle are of equal weight, making it easy to control. I've had a shorter version for a while now that I've been using as a utility knife, and I'm completely sold on the shape and on the quality of the work that Global produces. I have no doubt that this will replace my chef's knife as my go-to blade of choice.

(Have I ever mentioned that I love to cook?)

Tonight, I've had a chance to sit and sip some tea while enjoying Dexter Gordon's Tangerine. Everyone else is asleep; the only thing that I hear is the skillful jazz riffs of a saxophonist who was able to do what he loved. The only thing I'm missing is my pipe - but that's a small thing. A chance to pause for breath, to reflect and to recharge - that, on the other hand, is a great thing.

Picking Up Steam

About a month ago, I mentioned that I had had a very encouraging conversation that had awakened a long-dormant dream that I've held for a number of years now. At the time, I was hesitant to say much - it seemed too good to be true. But this week I had another meeting, and things are picking up steam. I'm starting to believe this thing might actually happen. And I'm excited, more excited than I've been in some time.

Here's what's going on: I've now had several conversations with a local guy who oversees the regional church planting organization for the Brethren in Christ. And things look really good. I'm going to take part in some assessments in a few weeks, something that will give them (and me) a feel for whether I have the right skills/gifts/etc. And that's a good thing - at one time I probably would have balked at such an approach because it doesn't seem very organic. But then again I've seen enough of this sort of thing crash and burn because the wrong people were in the wrong place at the wrong time, so I respect that they want to use wisdom in this, and frankly I want the feedback from folks that have already done this sort of thing. The last thing I want is to get into something that I'm not equipped to handle.

I was surprised at how well my theology meshes with theirs. That's been one of my concerns - I've wanted to find a tradition where I'll fit, where I won't constantly feel as though I need to apologize for my take on things, and I get the sense that I'd actually find a theological home there. And in terms of planting, they're really embracing the missional movement. They don't look for a particular form but have congregations under their umbrella that range from the very traditional to some really exciting emerging-type communities. (That's not to say the other congregations aren't exciting as well. But there would be a lot of freedom in terms of the approach that we could take, and that's exciting. ;)

Of course, there's still quite a bit of road ahead. The assessment could determine that I'm not a good fit for them, or as I learn more about the group I might find some things that would cause me to rethink. But I don't get that sense. I have a settled feeling about this, something that for me is unusual enough that I'm paying attention. If the assessment goes well, then we'll have some more talks and start to work our way towards a strategy, not to mention pulling a team together. Then the work begins - for now, I'm reading, thinking, dreaming, and praying. And if you see this site start to make a shift in emphases, don't be surprised - more to come!

Serendipity

I've debated about whether or not to post this. It's way premature. Anything could happen. The whole thing could fall through. I might discover that it's not for me. Others might decide I'm not for them. Maybe nobody else will want to play. Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

You see, one of the things that has kept me going through the past several years of indecision, confusion, pain, and angst about my experiences in student ministry and subsequent exit has been this half-baked dream in the back of my head about something improbable. I've thought, on and off for probably eight years or more, that I wanted to be a part of planting a church. I've held that thought through two less than stellar staff experiences, and then through a time when I thought the dream was dead for good. I held those dreams in one hand on more than one occasion, spade in the other, prepared to bury them and move on. I've clung to them when it seemed the only thing keeping me going was an irrational, intuitive belief that they were not dead, only asleep. I've argued with God about them on more than one occasion, yelled and ranted and raved and sobbed and simply sat in sullen silence. I've hauled them out of bed every morning as I headed off to a job that I never expected to take. I've drug them to bed with me at night after staying up far too late reading tales from others who have pursued their dreams as I sit and watch and wait.

I have other dreams also - dreams of further study, of more letters to follow my name, of books and papers and lectures and classes and teaching. I've carried that set of dreams alongside the first, as both of them have seemed about equally probable. Lately, though, I've been thinking that my path would carry me out of vocational ministry entirely, taking me into the world of academics and further study, pursuing one set of dreams while abandoning the other for good. But that path has also remained closed - the money is all wrong, I'm not ready academically without additional coursework in languages, and foremost, my kids have watched me do homework for long enough. In other words, what seemed the most likely path is also the most costly, and it's coin that I can ill afford to pay. I don't want my kids growing up as academic orphans.

However, this week I had a meeting, a not-quite-random encounter that has changed many things. I heard words of encouragement, of welcome, of shared purpose and vision, and of possibility. Tentative words, words that mean more conversation must follow. But a nearly abandoned dream has started to awaken, and I feel alive. It's a good feeling. It means that, perhaps, I've done the right thing in guarding this nearly-expired hope against extinction.

I may be getting way ahead of myself. This might not happen, and I might be all wrong.

But maybe not.

Clearing My Thoughts

There are a few reasons that I'm a miserable blogger. For one, I get stuck on a topic and run it into the ground. I'm fine with that, don't get me wrong - when that happens, it's typically something that I'm muddling my way through, and this serves as a forum to get my thoughts in order and to put them out for input or critique. But on the other hand, I do at times tend to burn out on a topic. Spencer's book is a case in point. I actually have a few more thoughts that I think I need to pull together, but I needed to step away for a few days to clear my brain. I'm rarely as negative as I've been about that book, and it's not a place that I really enjoy. And there are some positives that I think the book brings to the table as well - for me, though, they're buried in a lot of other stuff that I find bothersome and, at times, disturbing, and not in a good sense. So I wanted to think about the positives as well, to offer some balance to what I've said thus far. So, my head is much clearer now, and I hope to finish my thoughts on the book this week.

On another note, somewhere along the line this blog became a book blog. And I'm fine with that too, on some level - I read voraciously, probably more than anyone else that I know personally, and a lot of what I've been reading recently has been quite formative. But a few months ago a friend of mine was busting my chops about the praxis part of theopraxis - he said it's more like "reflecting about reflective action". And there's just enough truth in there, jesting aside, that it stuck in my head and has been bothering me ever since. Truth is that, when I stepped out of youth ministry two years ago, I was so burnt out that it's taken me the time since to recuperate. And now that I'm itching to get involved again, I can't seem to find a niche. Spiritual journey makes for a fun metaphor, but it's a pain in the tail to have to experience - especially when the destination is rather vague. Bottom line - frustration is a lousy writing partner. Hence the books - at least interacting with someone else's work provides something of a nudge towards constructive thought.

As a blogger, I've always been much more a thinker than a linker. The downside to that is that, when your own thoughts aren't worth publishing, then there's not much to fall back on.

New Friend

For those of you who were interested, I've posted a few pics of my new pipe...

Technorati Tags: Butz Choquin, Cybele, pipes

Removing the Label

Tonight I'm enjoying something that I've neglected for far too long. I'm sitting on my deck enjoying a little something that I picked up in London to commemorate my graduation - a new pipe, specifically a Butz Choquin Cybele, if you're interested in such things, a horn-shaped pipe with some really stunning hardwood inlay in front of the stem. This is my maiden voyage with this particular piece of briar, and it's doing quite admirably. It's smoking a bit hot, though, because I'm trying some Rattray's Hal o' the Wynd that's a bit too dry for my liking. It's an older tin that I should just pitch, but I can't seem to bring myself to do so. The problem, though, is that if I don't, I might damage the pipe - it's too dry to smoke at a safe temperature, instead burning hot which carries the risk of damaging the briar in the pipe.

 I've simultaneously been catching up on my blogosphere reading. I'm woefully behind thanks to my recent blog fast - I think I need to just hit reset on the reader and start fresh. But I'm glad I caught a post from James tonight, because it echoes a lot of what I've been thinking of late. James writes this:

It was one of those moments like the first time you look in the mirror and realize that you are no longer 18 years old and in shape. Your mind may try to convince you that you are still in your prime but the mirror reveals that uncomfortable reality. Similarly, I have always seen myself as somewhat "conservative." But during the conversation with Balmer I realized that I have convictions and beliefs that are firmly outside the conservative label. It was like scales fell off my eyes and I began to see for the first time that there is a large group of self identified Christians who would exclude me from their camp because of the views I have of the Christian faith. In fact, there are some who would not even think my views are Christian at all.

This, I think, describes exactly how I've begun to feel over the past year or so. I've come a long way, in my opinion, in my understanding of many things - the gospel, the nature of scripture, the nature of the church, and the way in which my theology informs my politics. And, on so many of these items, I find myself in an awkward position. Because of my commitment to some quite conservative positions, such as the authority of scripture and the confession of Christ as Lord, I can no longer hold to many of the conclusions that conservative theology advances. I take seriously, for example, that Jesus actually intends for us to love our enemies and, consequently, I've become convinced that I can no longer support conservative positions on war. I take seriously, likewise, the authority of scripture and, consequently, I'm left dissatisfied with many conservative articulations of what I take to be extra-biblical statements about those same scriptures. I could go on - my point, however, is less the particular doctrines and more that a commitment to certain conservative positions results in undermining much of the remaining structure. This, at the end of the day, is what troubles me the most.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was reading a book by Peter Enns called Inspiration and Incarnation: Evangelicals and the Problem of the Old Testament. My initial thought was that I was surprised that it hasn't garnered more attention in the blogosphere - it's a fantastic read thus far that I think many who identify with the emerging church would profit from reading. However, as I began to dig a bit, I found that I'm simply not reading the blogs that have discussed it. There's actually been a fair amount of interaction with it, and not all of it supportive, to put things mildly. Mark, a fellow contributor to meremission.org (where I need to actually contribute, I've been thinking ;) has interacted with some of the criticism, much of which has been rather disappointing, to say the least. But I mention this because one thing that I keep reading is that Enns's proposals are not "conservative" - which, I suppose, is to label him as one of those evil "liberals" and thus avoid interacting with what he actually says. Ironically, his book is based on premises with which no conservative would ever argue - the authority and inspiration of scripture. But because the conclusions that he reaches based precisely on those premises are not in keeping with what the gatekeepers of orthodoxy have deemed acceptable, his book is maligned and condemned.

So I find myself in a position where I've been trying to wear a label that really has begun to chafe. I can't stand having to apologize for it or nuance it enough that it fits who I find that I've become. My friend Scott wrote some time ago about something similar - I find that, like him, like James, perhaps it's time to remove the label.

I've put my pipe down for this evening. The pipe performed excellently; however, if I continue, the bad tobacco will ruin it. I'm reminded of an old adage about old tobacco and new pipes - or was that old wine and new wineskins? I think either serves to make the point. Perhaps it's time to move on.

Next Steps

Saturday, my MDiv cohort had our last class together. I thought I was prepared for it - in fact, I was frustrated that I had to be present at all, given that the coursework related to the trip has been less than stimulating. The trip itself, however, was overwhelming on many levels, and I didn't feel as though I'd had much chance to process. However, I knew this would be the last time we'd be together as a cohort, and one of the group had invited everyone over for food and drinks after class, so I thought I'd make the best of it. And I'm glad I did. Saturday evening, though, the realization that I'm finished started to settle in, and I've been in something of a funk ever since. Not only am I going to miss all the fine folks that I've gotten to know so well over the past three years, but I still don't know what the heck I'm going to do next.

The most frustrating question for me for the past couple of years has been, "What are your plans after graduation?" I thought that something would present itself, that I'd have some sense by now of what it is that I'm supposed to be doing, but unfortunately I don't. No plans, no goals, no next steps, other than to finally finish Wright's Jesus and the Victory of God. Monday, I went back to work - a fine job, to be sure, but not a vocation, at least for me. There's no life there, and that's frustrating. I hate being a cog in the wheel, and I hate the feeling that, if I didn't show up to work tomorrow, the world wouldn't even blink. But a man's got to eat, so back to the mines I go.

There's no real point to this, no witty insight or spiritual veneer that I can throw over this to make it seem more presentable. I'm just in a funk, and I'm having trouble writing productive stuff.

Reflections on London

If you're interested, you can find my journal from the London trip here. More thoughts to come but this will provide a sense of what we encountered and experienced.

Home Again

We arrived home from London Tuesday afternoon. I spent Tuesday evening and most of yesterday home with my family, and headed back to the mines today. The trip was incredible on many, many levels - incredibly challenging, encouraging, and overwhelming. I'm still processing a lot of things. I had thought to post reflections during the trip, but to be honest, by the time our days were finished, I was pretty much exhausted, both physically and spiritually. It seemed a good opportunity to take an unplanned blog fast, to allow myself the opportunity to reflect and absorb what we were experiencing.

I did do a bit of journaling while I was there, which I hope to publish in the next day or so. I'll also be sharing my reflections on the trip in a more general sense, as well as some thoughts on ministry, contextualization, and American culture that I've been processing. In any event, things should pick back up to normal around here now. It was a great experience, but I'm also glad to be home.

On the Road Again

Well, I'd hoped to get a bit more content up this week, but I couldn't pull it together. I'm off tonight for a twelve day trip to London. I'm going with my cohort from Biblical; we'll be working with a group from an agency called World Team while we're there. Should be fun but it's a long time to be away from the family. I'm optimistic about being able to get online - from what I understand our hotel has wifi but I haven't confirmed that. If not, things may be sparse for the next week or so.

On a related note, if the schedule allows, I'd love to catch up with some of you folks from London while I'm there - I know there are a few of you out there. ;) Drop me an email if you'd like and we'll try to connect. I don't know our schedule in detail yet but I know we'll have some free time so I'm cautiously optimistic about being able to do so.

Raising Ebenezers

I spent the weekend on retreat with my cohort from Biblical. This was our last retreat together - we've been on the same journey for nearly three years, and soon it will be time to part ways. We graduated a few weeks ago. I didn't mention it at the time because it's something of a formality - we have another class or two to complete and a missions trip that we'll be taking together next month, so we haven't actually received our degrees yet. Still, in roughly six weeks or so this chapter of my life will have written its conclusion. I'm not, honestly, certain of what that means. I have a lot of stuff floating around in my head at the moment, and little in the way of outlets for it.

It's an odd sort of a thing, I think, to be granted a Master of Divinity. I don't know if the person who came up with the label was intentionally trying to be humorous. If not, it was an extraordinary case of naiveté or hubris, or perhaps some combination of the two. I suspect that, if your approach to theology is largely through definitions and categories, then the label is perhaps tragically appropriate, although I wonder what exactly it will be that you've mastered. Personally, I think it's a poor label. In the time I've been in school, I've realized two things: first, I will never master the Divine; and second, what I actually need is to be mastered by the Divine instead. And, third, I suppose I've come to realize, at least in part, how far I am from either.

Still, it's been a worthwhile pursuit. I've grown immensely in some ways, been stretched nearly as far as I was able to be stretched, and kept my faith intact - no mean feat given some of what has taken place over the past few years, but that's another tale. I've rethought nearly everything that's been available to rethink. In fact, this blog itself was itself a result of seminary; I began blogging two and a half years ago at the promptings of a fellow cohort member. It's served me well - my own collection of Ebenezers, in some sense, bearing witness to the work of the Spirit in my life. Now, I raise another, marking the passage between the chapter that has been and one that is yet to be written.

The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.

On Retreat

Once again, life catches up with me, and I'm behind in posting. Ah, well - nothing to be done about it now. I'm away on retreat for the next few days. I'll respond to emails and comments when I return.

Quick Update

I took something of a blog fast this weekend. I didn't realize how badly I needed a weekend of just vegetating - it was wonderful. I have a few things on my plate for this week. I want to finish my thoughts on Stetzer's categories - the last post should go up tonight. I also have several books on my stack that I've been wanting to blog about, so I think the next week or two will be dedicated to finishing those thoughts. I'm also hoping to get a few surprises in there as well - we'll see if that materializes (it's looking good, but I'll not say more at this point).

Huzzah!

I just submitted my last assignment for my next-to-last course at Biblical. Well, technically, I also have a missions trip in June that has some course work attached to it, but I'm not counting that. ;) I've loved this program - it's been formative in more ways than I could possibly have imagined. But I'm also ready to be finished so that I can have a semblance of a life again, maybe even get more than six hours of sleep a night.

Would I do it again? Absolutely. Say what you want about seminary education, Biblical is doing some fantastic stuff with their programs. I can't tell you how deeply this has changed the way that I think about faith and scripture and community and theology and lots more. Still, it will be nice to be able to read at my leisure and to not have coursework sucking up my time like a black hole. One course + one trip = one happy seminary student.

I'm Back

Great weekend - I've basically done nothing since Friday. And I needed it. Between my family, a full-time job, and a full-time course load, I'm actually just glad to be functional - I've been pushing myself pretty close to the edge of what I can endure lately. By the middle of last week, I had run out of steam. Fortunately, I graduate in a few short weeks, so it's basically an endurance run at this point. At any rate, I'm back up to speed now, so regular posting resumes tomorrow. ;)

The Wall

I've hit the wall this week. I'm exhausted - physically and mentally. Plus, I've been nursing just enough of a cold to make me really miserable, while not being enough to warrant taking time off. Anyway - point is that I'm not getting my next post on the suburbs finished until Saturday. The topic is too important to slop together, and I can't think straight right now. ;) Be back in a day or two.

Ever Have That Feeling...

...like you've been punched in the gut? The one after a conversation you never thought you'd have, for example?

Today I had a chance to meet with some folks from Westminster Theological Seminary (yes,that Westminster) to talk about their PhD program, in particular the apologetics concentration. Now, some of you who have been dropping by for a while now are probably scratching your head. For one, I'm not Reformed. Not by a long shot - I'm about a 1.75 point Calvinist, last I checked, which makes me about as Reformed as Dick Cheney is a good shot. For another, apologetics might seem like an odd sort of pursuit for me, given my approach to all things rational and provable. But Westminster has a few things going for it - for one, it's one of the most academically rigorous seminaries around; for another, they have a cultural apologetics track that seems, from what I gathered, to take issues of contextualization seriously.

So I had a very nice lunch with the head of the apologetics program, thanks to one of my professors at Biblical (a Westminster grad and a capital fellow by all accounts). We talked for a while about their program, and, while I'm not sure it's a good fit yet, I at least was interested in learning more. But then we dropped by the admissions office to chat with the director of admissions about the language requirements. And that's the less happy conversation that's left me feeling like a complete loser - the guy basically said that my degree isn't considered an appropriate MDiv for their program, and he wouldn't even consider me for admissions. What's the issue? For one, I don't have biblical languages in my program. No problem there; I knew that was an issue going into the thing and planned to supplement with additional coursework. But the second hangup I never saw coming. He said I lacked the systematic theology requirements for admission.

Ok, step back for a second - I've read their catalogue, and nowhere in there does it talk about systematic theology. Now, I'm learning that they want 12 credits of graduate work in systematics. See, at Biblical they scrapped the systematic theology in the program in which I'm enrolled because the theology is all integrated with biblical studies. So we don't talk about the doctrine of the church in the abstract - we read Galatians and develop a theology of the church from the biblical text. We read Genesis and talk about sin; we read the Gospels and talk about social justice. That's the approach that my program takes - it's not perfect, to be sure, but I can tell you that I'm walking away from this program with a far greater perspective on how scripture informs my theology, instead of just memorizing some proof texts in a systematic book. It's been a great program, and I've learned a ton - but not, apparently, in the way that they'd like.

So here I am, after thousands of dollars and countless hours of study, being told that I, in essence, didn't get a real degree. "Terminal degree" was the term that he used - meaning it's the end of the line, basically.

But you know what? I'd take my second-class degree any day over one that leaves me ill-prepared to do theology in a rapidly changing context. I just want a chance to prove that I can do it.

They're going to review their requirements and Biblical's curriculum and get back to me, so it's not a closed door yet. But, crap, I thought I had no idea in what direction I was heading before...

Back

Apologies for the lack of attention to the blog this week. My wife's uncle passed away on Monday; we spent our week with her family in New York. It was actually a really nice time, all things considered. Shared loss is easier to bear, and finding reasons to celebrate in the middle of loss is, well, redemptive in some sense, I think. Still, it was tiring and left me with a fair amount of coursework to finish, which I completed at 2:30 AM this morning - nothing like a late night to get back into the swing of things... At any rate, things should be back to normal this week - I'm going to attempt to finally finish my thoughts on Bevans's book, and I've got a few other things that have been floating around in my head, so as long as life cooperates, it should be a good week. ;)

Away

I'm unexpectedly out of town for a few days with limited net access - things will be somewhat spotty around here for the next few days. Be back Friday.

Pause for Breath

I find myself in the awkward position of having nothing constructive to say. It's not that I lack for topics - far from it. I've left several posts over the past few days in various degrees of preparedness. Frankly, I'm completely frustrated, and it's coming through in my writing in a way that I dislike intensely. I'm frustrated with the near-total inability of those who should consider one another brothers and sisters in Christ to disagree constructively, honestly, and respectfully. I'm frustrated with the elevation of secondary issues to the status of boundary markers of orthodoxy. But I'm mostly frustrated with my personal inability to offer grace in my writing to those who frustrate me.

I'm tempted to say more - but I'm going to practice restraint. This week has not been healthy for me in the sense that I've become way too focused on what's going on in the blogosphere. I need to pause for breath, to make space for silence and renewal. I'm stepping away until Sunday. I'll offer more thoughts then; hopefully a few days of silence will allow me to speak with more clarity and grace.

A Small Window Into My Life

My boys are running around our house like drunken dwarves, laughing hysterically. The source of their amusement? They're taking animal crackers, biting off the latter half, and proclaiming loudly, "I ate his butt!!!"

Oh, my.

The Question of Suffering

I started class again tonight; it's a promising course called Spirit and Church. We're hitting a number of topics based on the epistles. Tonight, we started off with the topic of suffering. It is, of course, a weighty subject; I still feel somewhat subdued as I think over the various threads of conversation. One thing in particular, though, struck me as significant, particularly in light of my previous post. We were reading and discussing an article by Chuck Colson in which he was reflecting on the lack of resources that the evangelical tradition offers when dealing with issues of suffering. (He turned, interestingly enough, to the mystics such as Theresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross. I was somewhat surprised - I never thought of him as having a mystical bent.) What struck me forcefully, though, was the realization of the nature of suffering as opposed to the typical approach to scripture-as-answer-book I discussed previously.

It's sort of obvious, isn't it? The reason that the evangelical tradition offers virtually nothing in terms of a meaningful theology of suffering is that suffering, by its very nature, resists answers. Our prof read an excerpt from Nicholas Wolterstorff's Lament for a Son that is stunningly beautiful yet simultaneously tragic. Wolterstorff writes:

What is suffering? When something prized or loved is ripped away or never granted - work, someone loved, recognition of one's dignity, life without physical pain - that is suffering.

Or rather, that's when suffering happens. What it is, I do not know...I understand nothing of it. Of pain, yes: cut fingers, broken bones. Of suffering, nothing at all. Suffering is a mystery as deep as any in our existence.

I've written previously about some of my marker stones, so to speak, on my spiritual journey. Most of them are captured under this thread about hope. I think that all of us have defining moments, experiences in our lives that form us and shape us so deeply that, once experienced, change us forever. Some of these are joyful experiences; often, they are not.

What do we do when we are confronted with the wildness of God? I don't pretend to understand it. I have questions but no answers. I find myself in the position of Wolterstorff, confronted and confounded by mystery that I cannot grasp, and holding nothing but a theology that claims to have "all the answers," nicely packaged and bound in new leather and red letters. But when I turn the pages, I am not confronted by answers. I am faced with questions, pages upon pages of questions that remain unanswered. "Why do the wicked prosper?" "Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?" "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

But it's in the questions that I find comfort. Particularly the last, one uttered by Christ himself as he faced greater suffering than any of us have ever known. Christ who suffered, Christ who questioned, the Word himself unanswered, pouring himself out in lament.

I read these words and know that I find myself in the best of company.

Technorati Tags: hope, suffering, Wolterstorff, questions

Finished!

HUZZAH! I finished my final exam about three minutes ago, so I'm officially done with church history for this semester. What a brutal course! Good instructor, don't get me wrong - but the coursework was insane.

On the upside, now that I'm not sinking five to six hours a day into reading, I can get back to blogging. I don't like neglecting this site, but at the same time, I guess if I can't recognize what are proper priorities, then I've got no business being here in the first place. That doesn't mean I don't miss you fine folks though - I've got a lot of catch-up reading to do and some posts I've been sitting on to publish, so look for more activity here and at via media this week.

Happy New Year

Blessings on the New Year to you and yours!

...Now back to my homework. Honestly. ;)

(I'll be back on Monday!)

Swamped

Right now I'm frantically trying to dig out from under the mound of reading I have to complete for my current course before my extension expires - currently Friday, but I've asked for more grace. So far, my favorite quote from the books: "As usual, we must content ourselves with the briefest possible summary."

Does anything about those books look brief to you?

Getting Back to Normal

Joy and Ryan came home from the hospital on Sunday. Things are starting to come back down to earth - now we're getting into the more mundane parts of existence, like feeding and changing and trying to sleep. But everyone is healthy and Joy is recovering quite well, so on the whole I have little to complain about and much to be thankful for.

Thanks to everyone who left comments or sent emails - there are way too many to respond to each one personally (given the hectic state of my current existence), but I'm grateful for every one. And, on top of that, no spam for the five days or so I've been out of the loop - that's a beautiful thing. ;)

Things should start to get back to normal in the next few days, back to regular posting and all. I owe some folks emails or responses on a few things - they're on the way as well. Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers.

(By the way, I updated the pics over the weekend, so there might be a few new ones in the link below.)

Ryan Matthew

Mom did great, Dad did not do so well, and the camera did craptacular. I nearly passed out twice (!!!) in the delivery room. I'm blaming it on low blood sugar (at that point, I'd eaten a bowl of oatmeal and a bowl of pasta in about 36 hours) and lack of sleep. And I'm sticking to that!

At any rate, Ryan Matthew Berkhimer was born at 8:03am this morning. He weighed 7lbs 1oz and he eats like a champ, so I don't expect that to last long. Everything went about as smoothly as could be, and Joy and Ryan were resting well when I left the hospital.

I'll have better pictures tomorrow - almost every single picture was either blurry or over/underexposed, so in a fit of anger I sprung for a new camera. At least I was able to salvage a few! Thanks all for your prayers and thoughts!

Tomorrow...

In the words of Red Leader, "Almost there...almost there..."

(I can't believe I just wrote that. Bonus points if you know what I'm talking about.)

Tomorrow morning at 7:30 am EST, we'll be on our way to surgery. If you happen to think of it, please offer a brief prayer for us, that the c-section would go smoothly and that mother and baby would both be well.

A winter storm is, of course, bearing down on Philadelphia and should arrive late tomorrow afternoon. On the upside, I probably won't be at the hospital tomorrow night, so I should get some pics posted.

I also have a few comments that I plan to respond to, but they'll probably have to wait for a day or two. ;)

One Week

Next week at this time, if all goes well, I will be a father for the third time. This time around life has been moving forward at full speed, so I somewhat feel as though we only just found out. I also feel like I haven't really had time to process this whole thing, so now the anxiety is starting to set in. We still have things to buy, important things like bottles and such. We've picked a name, but there's still a bit of uncertainty about it - a good name is like a good pair of shoes, something you should feel at home in and that you don't notice that you're wearing. And then there's this sense of starting over. Diapers and 3am feedings and learning to walk and talk and think and dream. Beautiful things, scary things - things moving too quickly.

And yet, before I know it, these things will all be past, and I'll be wishing for those days when he could ride on my shoulders or take a nap in my arms. At some point, fortunately, it occurred to me that I had a limited window of opportunity here, and so I had better make the most of it. In other words, when my boys want my time, I had better have a damn good reason to say, "Later." And most of the time, I think I keep to that fairly well. I have no regrets thus far - just a lot of fond memories and sentimental notions, and for that I am grateful.

In one week, I welcome another cub into the den.

I hope he's ready for us.

On Retreat

I hoped to get another post up today, but time flew. I'm on my way to a retreat with my seminary cohort and won't be back until Sunday afternoon. I'll respond to any additional comments when I return.

I'm thinking to put the Story posts on hold for a week or so - I've been trying to decide how I'd like to observe Advent this year, and I think blogging through the redemptive story might be an appropriate way to prepare for Christmas. Thoughts?

UPDATE: I intended to post this on Friday, but I left it sitting in draft mode instead of publishing it. At any rate, I thought I'd post it anyway since I've left some comments and posts without a response and I'm wondering about the Advent thing. I come from a background in which "tradition" meant basically that we read a passage from Matthew before we opened our presents, so I have no real experience of how to navigate this.

Bipolar Week

This has been an absolutely brutal week. The whole ordeal started last Saturday with our dog. We have a two and a half year old Cairn Terrier named Noodle (or, alternately, the Cairn Terror). Noodle has had off-and-on health issues since we bought him - word to the wise, avoid mall pet store dogs, no matter how cute. This weekend sort of culminated in an emergency vet visit. We found out that we've been getting some bad advice from folks at our normal vet's office (we later found out that the techs weren't consulting the vets before dispensing advice over the phone). Instead of the digestive issues we thought he had, we found out he has kidney problems and what look to be possibly pancreatic issues as well. We're already about four hundred dollars into evaluations, and we don't have any firm diagnoses yet. The bottom line is that, if in fact it's pancreatic, he's not digesting any of his food, which means from what I can tell a lifetime of special diet to avoid starvation, even though he's eating like a horse.

There are other things floating around complicating the mix as well, but I'm trying to focus on the positives. And this week has brought a number of them:

• Doug Pagitt comes through again with another book for review. I received a copy of Body Prayer this week. I'm hoping to get through it in the next few days and offer my review - I'm looking forward to this one immensely.
• Speaking of books, I received my book list for the spring semester. Giving me access to Amazon is sort of like setting up a Guinness table in the lobby of the Betty Ford Center. On the upside, my reading list has expanded considerably - I snagged a few items that have been on my wishlist for some time now. I absolutely need to put up some reviews of what I've been reading, because I've picked up some phenomenal stuff lately that folks should know about.
• We spent a fun evening at a birthday party for a friend of my boys. Big plus for the adults was authentic Indian cuisine, which isn't that easy to find in my neck of the woods. ;)

Back to posting this week - I'm between courses at the moment, so I've got a bit more space. If it occurs to you to remember a sick puppy in prayer, we'd appreciate it.

(And with that, any manly facade that I've managed to create here has just been destroyed. ;)

Catching Up

I'm finally starting to feel like a real person again. After my intense push to finish my course work for last Thursday, I got home at around 11:00, only to jump into getting ready for the Generous Orthodoxy conference on Friday and Saturday. Bed at 12:30, up again at 4:45, on the road for the conference by 5:30. The conference itself was amazing; more on that in a bit. But I'm working with about 4 hours of sleep. Bed on Friday at about 1:30, up again at 7:30 - things aren't improving on the sleep front. Long story short - things caught up with me yesterday, and I slept a full 16 hours (!) thanks to a nice migraine I developed.

Fortunately, I have a week off work with no plans - time to get caught up on my posting.

Blog Tag

Todd tagged me with this meme:

The explosion of the blog world in the last year has led to countless quality blogs being started, but sometimes it is hard to find them amongst all the other blog muck. Because there are so many quality blogs out there, I though I would try to start a meme to send some eyeballs toward those unknown bloggers. So, share a blog you think more people should read, and then tag 5 others (who hopefully read your blog!) to do the same.

This is a tough one, because I could probably list a couple dozen sites here. I'll give a few that I consistently find to have quality stuff, with the disclaimer that omission isn't meant to indicate a lesser opinion of anyone's work.

Dang, I'm such a wimp.

Anyway - Blogs Everyone Should Read™

Ross Daws - Ross so often achieves that elusive mix of creative imagery and theological substance that I envy admire. Always worth reading.
Today at the Mission - My pseudonymous friend [rhymes with kerouac] writes about his experiences working in a homeless shelter. You cannot read his stuff without encountering Jesus.
So I Go - Jeff posted the first essay of his "perpetual novel" in the comments of one of my posts about a year ago, almost to the day if I remember correctly. I don't think anyone ended up reading my post, because his essay was so phenomenal.
Todd Littleton - I met Todd at the etrek course at Biblical last fall. Todd's blog is always well-written, thoughtful, and substantive.
Bob Robinson - Bob's site is a great mix of link and think. But his think is especially good; at the moment, he's doing a series on postmodernity that is well worth a read.

I'm going to cheat and tag the guys I listed. Personally, I like to read what the folks I'm reading like to read. (I think you all drop by from time to time... ;)

Baby News...

Joy and I had our 20-week ultrasound today, and the verdict is...

Boy!

Three boys...We're currently accepting donations of caffeinated beverages or other stimulants, as well as good condition protective gear such as helmets and elbow pads. For us, that is.

There and Back Again

Back from my weekend away - our family spent a few days in Washington D.C., seeing the sites and catching up with some old friends. We had dinner with my college roommate and his family; it was great to catch up for a bit, even if the kids did tear up the Olive Garden. On the upside, by the time we get back to that particular location, they'll have forgotten all about us. In theory.

Interesting piece of D.C. miscellany - there is actually an aquarium in the basement of the Department of Commerce. I'm not sure who thought it would be a good idea to put fish in the basement, but there it was. I was initially skeptical at the thought, but my wife had visited before and was convinced that it would be worth the time. I began to revise my estimation when I saw the feeding times for the sharks, pirahnas, and alligators - but then I quickly recanted my upward revision when I saw that the alligators were all of about a foot long. For a minute, I thought we had wandered into a pretty decent pet store - I started to look around for people carrying those little plastic baggies. But at least the boys enjoyed it, and I was able to mock Joy mercilessly, so all's well. (She'd have done the same to me. It's a family passtime.)

At any rate, it was good to get some uninterrupted time with the family. As for the next Galatians post, it's in process, but I'm not going to have it finished until tomorrow. More to come!

Away

I'm going to be out of town for a few days; I'm hoping my hotel room will have broadband, but I don't remember if I requested it or not... At any rate, if I'm without internet, I'll be unable to respond to comments or emails until Sunday. Have a wonderful weekend!

A Small Request

I've been somewhat absent the past few days. I've wanted to write, but I can't find any words - I'm exhausted by the seemingly endless barrage of mundane stresses that have been coming my way. Honestly, I'm tired of writing about this stuff, because I don't want to use this site as a venting post for all of my frustrations. But this latest issue has me somewhat rattled, and I'd like to ask for a small bit of prayer, if you would be so kind.

Here is the crux of the issue: not only did I miss my class last Thursday because of the problem with my Jeep, like a moron I completely missed class again on Saturday. No reason other than I thought it was actually a week later. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal - but in an accelerated program with six sessions per course, I've just missed one third of the class. I'm suddenly in serious jeopardy of failing my class for no other reason than I forgot to go. I've had to submit a request to the academic office to allow me to continue in the class without failing, and my instructor has been difficult to read - I don't know, even if I'm allowed to continue in the course, what he's going to do with my grade.

I hate to put this out here like this, but I feel that I need to offer some explanation for why I've been lax on responding to all of your excellent comments in my previous post as well as being unable to summon the mental energies required to generate anything interesting to write. The stress has been brutal, especially in light of my less than stellar luck of late. So I would ask that, if you would be so kind, please remember me as you pray - I need the academic committee and my prof to show grace in this situation so that I can graduate as scheduled.

UPDATE: The variance committee responded MUCH sooner than anticipated - I was initially told they wouldn't meet until next week. But it's been approved, so now I just have to chat with the prof to find out where my grade stands. Thanks for your prayers, and hopefully I can get back to thinking and writing creatively...

UPDATE2: Had a really nice chat with the prof tonight - didn't discuss the grade, but he was very cordial and understanding. We also threw around some thoughts on the gospel, Galatians, and NT Wright - very nice fellow. Thanks again to everyone for thoughts and prayers during a stressful time.

When It Rains...

I've spent most of the week trying to recover files from my old laptop. It's down to about five minutes now before there's an audible zzzzzt from the board and the thing shuts down. It feels like a bad game show, frantically scrambling to locate important files before the buzzer goes off. At least I have the five minutes - I probably would have had to be medicated if I'd have lost the files. Moral of the story - back up your stuff.

Yesterday I headed to Starbucks for lunch to catch up on some homework. When I got back in the car to come back to the office, I turned the key and...nothing. The starter would crank, but the engine wouldn't catch. I ended up getting it towed; apparently an oxygen sensor shorted out and blew the fuse to the computer. (I don't really know what that means, but my mechanic made it sound important.) Several hundred bucks later, I'm with vehicle again. Unfortunately, I missed both my class and the Emergent cohort meeting last night. On the upside, I got a surprise afternoon off, even if I did spend it waiting for a tow.

I was going to say I think I'm running out of things to break, but I don't want to test the hypothesis.

An Interview Meme

I've never done one of these before, but it sounded like fun. Here's the format:
1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your weblog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Scott picked five questions for me to answer, which I'll do here. Leave a comment in turn if you're interested in being interviewed. Now, on to the questions:

How do you live in the Story of God, the Story in which you find yourself? ; )
The short answer is that I stumble around a lot trying to figure out the plot. The longer answer starts when I realize that the reason I stumble around is that I forget that I'm not the plot. Instead, I've been invited into this wonderful adventure that's happening all around me while too often I remain completely unaware.

I use the word "subversive" a lot. Subversive carries a sense of a thing with a purpose other than its presumed purpose. There's a sense of secrecy and surprise, of unexpectedness and danger that comes with the word, and I think that's entirely appropriate for much of what we think of as spirituality. Sabbath, for example, is subversive. On the surface it's about rest. But it's not really at all about rest, or maybe only somewhat about rest, but mostly it's about undercutting the dominant assumptions of culture that cry out, "Consume! Produce! Consume! Produce!" That's not, I think, a 21st century first world thing either - all you have to do is enter into the story of the Exodus to see that the concern for manna overrode the trust required of Sabbath. Economics does not have the final word. Government does not have the final word either - that's the message of Revelation. Death does not have the final word - that's the message of the Gospels, probably the best message of all.

To live in the story means to align ourselves to the narrative. We find ourselves within the story, but not in the sense of moralizations: "Be like David! Slay your giant!" It means that we find ourselves in the position of Israel facing an oppressor with a final word - in this case, a return to captivity and oppression - and learning that there is another Word that speaks louder, longer, and more finally. We see God within history continuing to redeem His people and find hope and the audacity to imagine (Romans 15:4). We practice what I think of as little resistances, ways of avoiding acceptance of dominant paradigms. For me, I think of things like taking time for lunch, turning off the radio and driving in silence, buying from local businesses instead of multinational corporations, and driving a vehicle from the mid-nineties as little resistances. They're ways I reinforce to myself that the script presented by culture is a part of the wrong plot, so to speak. I don't frame these kinds of things as disciplines, because frankly they're not always possible - but they are in the back of my mind when I work and shop and eat and play. They set the stage for what I consider large resistances. These are more overt practices, such as supporting a needy child financially, giving regularly to my church community, choosing a lower-paying job in order to have time for family and Kingdom, or living at peace with others and practicing forgiveness and reconciliation. But all of these things start with imagination, and imagination starts with story, and the story in which we find ourselves is the redemptive tale told by a Redeeming God who is both narrator and hero.

If you could be any character from literature, who would it be and why?
No doubt - Faramir from Lord of the Rings. If you've seen the movies but not read the books, you don't get the sense of true nobility that Tolkien gives to Faramir. In the book, Faramir took a great risk to trust Frodo. He took another great risk to aid him and let the Ring pass into the land of Mordor. But he did so knowing that what seemed to be the wise course of action was in fact the most foolish - to claim the Ring and use it. He let power pass through his grip in order to serve another. He is an amazing example of Tolkien's contrast between wisdom and power - and in the story he's proven wise indeed.

What do you hope to do with your MDiv from Biblical?
At one time, I knew the answer to that question. So much has happened in the past five years that I don't really know anymore - I just know that I'm supposed to be where I am. I think I want to plant a church in the Philadelphia area that reflects some of what's taking place in the emerging church, because there aren't many faith communities that I'm aware of that are asking those kinds of questions. But I hold that dream loosely - what I really hope is that I find a bit of clarity before graduation. ;) Long-term, I want to write books, get my doctorate, and teach on the university or seminary level, as well as serve in vocational ministry of some kind. So basically, I want to be Eugene Peterson. ;)

When did you know you wanted to marry your wife and how did you ask her to marry you?
I met Joy the first week of my sophomore year in college; she was an incoming freshman. The first time I met her I thought she was rather stuck up - I found out later that she was actually somewhat shy. We shared a music theory class and it wasn't long before we started dating. In fact, on our first date, we went out for Chinese food and met my roommate and his date for a movie. My mistake was in letting him pick the movie. It was a Bruce Willis flick about cop hunting for a stalker as I recall - it freaked her out so badly that she was hyperventilating on the way out of the theater. I think I knew I wanted to marry her when she said she'd go out with me again. ;)

The next summer I went to visit her in New York. She grew up in Rye, which is between White Plains and Greenwich, CT, just north of NYC. There's a place near the beach that looks out over Long Island Sound where you can see the New York skyline - I surprised her there with the ring. That was eleven years ago this August, and the rest as they say is history. I was twenty years old when we got married; she was nineteen. We were insane - but somehow it's worked out, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

What is your favorite food memory and why?
I thought about this one for a while, and then realized that it should have been absurdly easy to answer. I grew up in rural Pennsylvania, where there are still people who live close to the land, with dirt under their fingernails and the seasons in their souls. My grandfather was one of those people. He worked at a steel mill for a large part of his life, but he was a farmer more than anything, and that's the way I'll always remember him. He'd spend hours upon hours every day out in the "patch", as he called it. Many people have a garden. My grandfather had about half an acre of produce that he'd work all summer long - tomatoes, peppers, row upon row of sweet corn, melons so large they looked like scientific experiments. You can't get produce like that in suburbia. We'd pull a dozen ears from the cornstalks and, before the silk could start to wilt, they'd be on the stove. When you'd bite into them, the kernels would burst with sugary juice. I'd eat watermelon so fresh the juice would run down my chin and stain my shirt - when you're eight, you have a sense of priority about such things. Shirts can be washed - the watermelon is what matters! Woven through it all, though, is a sense of history and family. Every fall when the potatoes were ready we'd all spend a few weekends walking through the rows of freshly turned soil pulling potatoes out of the ground. I hated it at the time, of course, but there are memories there I wouldn't trade for anything. Even now, that sense of connection comes back anytime I experience that smell of earth and soil.

Thanks Scott - good questions!

The Slacker Returns

Well, ok, slacker is a strong word - I've been extraordinarily busy this week. In fact, I'm sabotaging a paper that's due tomorrow in order to post a few thoughts at the moment, but I just can't work anymore tonight. Thankfully, a key project at work elevated successfully on Saturday, so after half a day in the office on the weekend I can breathe a bit easier over the next few weeks. Once I get my paper done, I'll have three whole days until my next class starts - I'm thinking Disneyworld? I guess you can't write about Sabbath and not be punished... At any rate, I'm looking forward to some more regular posting this week, and to more timely responses to comments and emails.

Being Human

I had one of those weekends that comes along every so often by the grace of God, the ones that make you feel like you've actually had a weekend and that you might have regained a bit of ground in the neverending fight against fatigue. I could think of no better way to finish it than by dragging the laptop outside, lighting up my pipe, and making some space to breathe.

My parents came to visit for the weekend. We didn't really do anything special - we just had a nice time catching up and playing with the boys. Yesterday we went to the park and flew model rockets. I can't recommend model rocketry enough if you have boys in your home. It's really inexpensive to get into, and I have never met a boy who didn't absolutely go nuts the first time he saw a launch. I can't wait for the day my boys are old enough to start building their own. It's an absolutely fantastic father/son hobby, and because so few large retailers carry supplies, it's also often a great way to support local businesses, namely your local hobby shop. But I digress - I spent some wonderful time this weekend with some of the people in my life that mean the most to me, an opportunity that I unfortunately do not always take when it presents itself.

One of the reasons, I think, that Sabbath is such a subversive practice is that it puts limits on some voices in our lives that are often so loud. It says to our work, "This far and no farther!" It refuses to grant privilege to a culture that tries to reduce us to a unit of production and instead makes space where we can be human. It also refuses to be contained by our own rules and regulations that try to tame its subversive nature. Personally, I think that we would do well to begin to pay attention to how and when we rest, because it's in these spaces that we are often most alive.

My pipe is reaching its end, as is my evening. Blessings to you in the week ahead.

Back to the Mines

I'm back - fantastic weekend at the shore, with good friends, spiritual refreshment, and poker for Mentos and Fig Newtons. (I'd have won it all too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and that dog!) Lots of stuff to think about and write about. Memorable quote of the weekend: "For many of us, our lives are a conflict of stories." (Marilyn Elliott of Asbury Seminary)

More to come. One finding from my Sabbath week - I am seriously sleep deprived. I absolutely have to start changing some patterns, and one of those needs to be my sleeping habits. I can't continue to operate on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, so for now I'm choosing bed over blog...

Sabbath Week

What a brutal week. This was one of those weeks at work when you think things can't get any worse, but yet they continue to do so. Yesterday, though, a few things happened and a couple of deteriorating situations related to a few projects that I'm leading turned around remarkably - one might even say miraculously, if you believe in the everyday sort of miracles that we frequently refer to as good luck or coincidence. Now, I have a week's vacation with nothing more strenuous planned than a midnight showing of Star Wars and maybe a trip to the Philadelphia Academy of Natural Sciences with my boys. Time to catch my breath and be human - there's nothing better.

Breathing

Last week was huge in many respects. I wrapped up my last class of the spring semester, with the requisite procrastination and last-minute scramble, not to mention a misread of the syllabus on my part that left me scrambling to finish a project so that it would only be a few days late. As of Thursday night, I now have two weeks off before diving into the summer term, and at least 3 or 4 books to try to finish in that time. On the work front, lots of stress and tension about a project that I'm leading that culminated in a not-at-all fun meeting where I don't know if anything was accomplished, but at least I said everything that needed to be said and didn't cave like a dieting Homer Simpson in a donut factory. Moral victory for me, even if nobody else noticed. Yesterday we celebrated my son's fourth birthday. That was a blast - it was great for him to be the center of attention. He's a fantastic kid but somewhat rebellious so he doesn't always get the best kind of attention, if you know what I mean. Great week all in all but very tiring and no time for blogging.

With a light week ahead, that should change - lots of stuff on my mind. I just finished McLaren's The Last Word and the Word After That. I went into this one kind of nervous about where he was going to head, but it was actually a really good read. Lots of stuff to think about, but I wish I had the time to dig into primary sources on this one. He does seem to borrow a lot from C.S. Lewis' thoughts, if that gives you any indication of where he's headed. One of the most thought-provoking lines said that Christians should be universalist-sympathetic, meaning that no matter one's ideas of eternal destiny, as Christians we should hold out the desire that all would be saved. It's interesting to put this thought up against the way I was raised and how I thought about God as a result. I haven't had time to develop this properly, but I will no doubt be writing more about this in the next few days.

More to come on this and other threads of conversation - nice (and necessary) break but I'm glad to be back.