I'm back - what an insane couple of weeks. Thanks to everyone who shared thoughts and prayers - it was appreciated, even if I haven't been in the frame of mind to say so. We're starting to get back to normal, or at least a semblance thereof. I don't think that we'll ever quite be the same after this. Two weeks ago I had one of the worst experiences of my life, and I suppose that what's starting to happen is that I'm adapting my perception of normal.

Well, anyway - enough about that. We still have questions that need to be answered; we don't even know the baby's gender yet. Hopefully we'll have those in the next few weeks and gain at least some sense of closure around this whole mess. It's been utterly surreal - two weeks ago we were still trying to decide on names.

It's been a long week. We learned Tuesday that we lost the baby. We're in complete shock - there was no indication that anything was wrong. I'll be away from the blog for a bit - please pray for us in this difficult time.

News Update

What a crazy couple of weeks! As you can no doubt guess from my news last week, we're scrambling to get things in order. We've put our house on the market, so most of my spare time has been spent either preparing our home for prospective buyers or searching for a new home with my wife. It's not the best time to sell, but it's a good time to buy, so we're feeling perhaps less nervous than we were a few months ago. Also, most of the work is done on our place, so we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak. As is probably obvious, our home search has taken on a new sense of urgency - our little two bedroom townhouse is tight with three boys; I can't imagine packing a fourth child into the mix.

More updates of course as we get them - we do want to find out the gender, since at this point its less a novelty for us and more a question of how much stuff we'll need to buy. A girl would be completely new territory for us. Please, if you would, pray that our house search goes well, that our current place sells in a timely manner, and that the pregnancy continues to be smooth.

News

Good and Tired

I'm just coming off a fantastic weekend. My wife and kids are off to NY to visit family for a few days, so I took the opportunity to get together with my gaming buddies. As it so happened, we had something of a perfect storm - both of their wives were also away on Saturday, so lacking any other obligations, we chucked cards and threw dice and smoked pipes and had a ridiculously good time. We made it through two full games of War of the Ring (a multi-hour wargame based on Lord of the Rings, currently one of my faves); I lost the second game on the last turn as Frodo succumbed to the corruption of the ring standing at the brink of the Crack of Doom. Several games of Settlers of Catan were also in the mix - Cities and Knights as always but also including Fishermen, which is an excellent little expansion that was a magazine insert a few months ago and is relatively easy to track down (as well as being a bargain at generally under five bucks). If you're a Settlers fan, you owe it to yourself to get this one. In addition, we sampled a few new ones - Hive, which was fun but light (you can play it online at hivemania.com); Citadels, which was an instant favorite; and Twilight Struggle, which has immediately moved to the top of my "must haves" list. We started with WotR on Friday night at 9pm, and when we were finished went immediately into Settlers. We finally crashed at about 4am, slept until 11, and dove right back into Settlers after breakfast. The last game of the day was Twilight Struggle, which wrapped up at about 2am this morning. I haven't done this much gaming in ages - and I'm exhausted.

Gaming is such a fulfilling hobby. I think a lot of folks might read this list and wonder how I could sink close to 20 hours in one weekend into board games. For me, games have it all - the thrill of competition, the challenge of strategy and tactics, the rush of victory and the camaraderie of good friends. If you think of things like Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit when you think of board games, you need to know that the mass market crap that lines the shelves of your local big box retailer can't possibly compare to the fine offerings that you'll find at a smaller hobby-oriented games shop. There is a game to fit every person, whether you want competition or cooperation, a ten minute filler or a four hour dicefest, and they'll all offer something more than your standard roll the dice, move the piece insomnia cure with a Milton Bradley logo on the front.

I was going to say something about the recent Mark Driscoll thing, but to be honest, I'm in too good of a mood and I'm running on five hours of sleep. Maybe Driscoll should sit down with Pagitt, McLaren, and Bell for a game of Catan and a good cigar.

I'm Still Not Dead Yet

August has turned out to be even more insane than I thought. We've made it through my son's eighth birthday, our twelfth anniversary, and a family wedding. Last week, though, we decided to bite the bullet and put in an offer on a new home. Now, I consider myself to be a pretty simple person when it comes to material things, but we've really outgrown our current place - we're packing three kids and a dog into a two bedroom townhouse, so it's really starting to get crowded. We found a really great four bedroom home in a nearby neighborhood that's within our (admittedly very modest) budget. It's not really that big (which I like), and it has a fantastic yard and a very functional layout inside. It's been crazy, though, since our offer was accepted and we now have to get our home ready to sell. All of the projects that I've been putting off for the past few years now have to be completed inside of a week. Lucky me.

The whole thing really has me thinking hard about economics and suburban life and what these things look like in the Kingdom. By most standards in our culture, this is a really modest home, which is something that's important to us - Joy and I both agree that we want to get the smallest home that is still functional for our family so that more of our resources can be directed towards the things of the Kingdom. But by the standards of many throughout the world, even our current home would be luxurious. It's an odd sort of thing to navigate - I'm trying to be responsible in how I spend my resources, but I still feel as though I'm being wasteful simply by virtue of living in a first-world country. Maybe I'm overthinking this, but it's not necessarily a bad tension to experience, I think.

On the reading front, I'm working on a few books that I need to review, so I'm going to try to get those posted soon. I'm also working my way through a collection of essays by Stanley Hauerwas called A Better Hope. Hauerwas is one of my favorite theologians, someone that I think more folks in emerging circles should read. He's one of those rare theologians that manages to critique both modernity and postmodernity with equal force, and he manages to integrate some good thinking on things like nonviolence and economics as well (things that often get left out of the discussion, but that I'm increasingly coming to believe are central to it). I'm continuing to think on the topic of New Creation as well, even though it's been over a month since my last post on the subject - I'm not giving up on it, just waiting for my plate to clear a bit before jumping back in.

In the Pipeline

I've been traveling for work over the past few days - I had training in Washington DC on Thursday and Friday, which meant a three hour drive after work on Wednesday and then another after my training on Friday. What a miserable way to spend an evening - man, I hate driving. It was made even worse by a toll collector in Baltimore who shorted me $5. I, of course, didn't realize this until I hit the next toll plaza and found myself without sufficient cash for the toll. Now I get to find out if those cameras at the toll booths really work. At any rate - I'm caught up on comments now, so if you were waiting for a response from me, it should be up.

On a positive note, I have a few things in the pipeline. Not posts, although I have a few of those as well. I'm thinking games - I've got a few fun new items on the way that I'm absolutely looking forward to breaking open. First is Seafarers of Catan - I've been bitten by the Catan bug, it seems, because I can't stop playing it. Fortunately, it's simple enough that my boys can play, so I thought I'd grab the first expansion. Cities and Knights is probably out of their league, but I think they can handle islands and shipping. The second is a bit of a gamble on my part - I don't usually buy games sight unseen, especially good quality games (because they ain't cheap). I've been looking for something that has some solitaire scenarios, though, as it's hard at the moment to get a group together for the kind of games that I'm into (read: War of the Ring). So I stumbled on Wings at War, which is a card-based simulation of WW1 fighter combat. The reviews are generally good, although the ratings are a bit lower than I'd like for something that I've never played. But it sounds really intriguing, as the fighter combat is resolved through the use of cards - and I'm a sucker for card games. And it has one-player scenarios - that to me made it worth the gamble. Fantasy Flight puts out some great products, so I hope this is up to their usual standards. I'll post a review after I get to try it out. I'm also hoping to grab Tide of Iron, but it's pretty hard to find at the moment. And at $80 I need to order this one online - I can't afford to pay retail for it. At least I'll have a few goodies to tide me over until I can get my hands on it.

I don't post about gaming often, but for a long time it was a huge part of my life, until my local comic shop closed. Recently I find myself really missing it. Any other gamers out there? What are you currently playing?

Technorati Tags: gaming

Searching for New Creation

I think that at least a part of my recent funk, and part of what I referred to as the attempt to hold together things that I can no longer hold together, comes from what I perceive to be an increasing distance between the God of the scriptures and the god of the church. For many of us who have been involved with emerging church-related stuff for some time now, this may seem to be little more than a truism, a mere stating-of-the-obvious. But I think it also fair to say that many of us, contra the "angry young man" syndrome (thank you Don Carson, gender-centric language included), have long held out a hope that we were participating in something of a prophetic movement, a call to the traditions from which we came to return to scripture, to stop serving the interests of political parties, to be hospitable and welcoming to those who are not a part of our faith traditions, and to seek justice and mercy for the poor and oppressed. And, in testimony to the prophetic character of the movement, many of us have experienced pain, ridicule, and hostility, and some have lost jobs and relationships and more. But I think there has long been, for many folks, a desire that our traditions would enter into the conversation and find something that they currently lack.

Maybe I paint with too broad a brush - I don't mean to imply that all is right and glorious and noble that carries the label "emerging". Far from it - I've often shared my criticisms of the ways in which this sort of thing is worked out, some of which are most definitely not prophetic in any real sense. But I think the general thrust of the ec is right and necessary, or at least what is necessary at this particular moment, and when it is firing on all cylinders, it is a beautiful thing.

Part of my frustration, then, is what I perceive as a circling the wagons of conservafundagelicalism. And this is a bigger thing that just emerging church, just to be clear - the exhibition of jackassery that is the latest Big Mac Attack is only floating at the periphery of my vision on this. It's also the insanity that is James Dobson's call for the firing of an NAE official for emphasizing global warming as a moral issue. It is the silence of the Religious Right on issues such as torture. It's the neo-gnosticism that masquerades as gospel, with a spiritual heaven and a spiritual salvation and a spiritual Jesus who really doesn't give a rat's behind about what happens in the here-and-now, so long as you're not sleeping around and are pissed off at people who are. Not that any of this is new - it's been going on for a long time. It's part of why I abandoned that ship in the first place. What bothers me of late is more the recent reaffirmation and intensification of these things, in the face of all of the calls for something new. They're doing fine, thank you - in fact, Jesus must really like them, because nobody else does. And we all know that Jesus is proud of us when nobody likes us.

On a personal note, I had a conversation with a friend today who's being put through the wringer at his church. I won't divulge details as it's not my story to tell - but I will say this: until we figure out that power and authority function differently in the Kingdom, we should run from positions of responsibility. We should be like Joseph, leaving things behind in our efforts to get out of there before we are caught and corrupted. Power is a dreadful thing when it's wielded without grace and humility - but it seems that we haven't realized that yet. Story after story - my own story included - leads me to believe that we just don't see the connection. Whether it's the Religious Right or Johnny Mac on a broad scale, or some random guys on staff at a church down the street, the faith tradition of my youth is enamored of power and displays no sense of embarrassment or shame about it. Somehow, they can read the scriptures and walk away thinking that what they do is just fine - and I'm left asking what in the world they're reading.

If you want to know why people are walking away from the Christian faith, let me break it down for you in a non-scientific, non-validated study: it's because we are jerks. Or, let me be more fair - it's because the people who represent the faith on a public basis often sound like jerks. And I know that's a crass generalization that doesn't get anywhere near the truth, that there are far more humble and gracious and loving people in the body of Christ than the ones who always seem to find themselves behind the microphone. But until we start to shout down the jerks in our midst, until we can be heard saying that it's not fine to treat people like sub-humans or to wield power to suit our own ends and not to serve others, then we will continue to lose credibility and the right to be heard.

The problem is that we are supposed to be the people of the New Creation. Paul says in 2 Corinthians that if anyone is in Christ, that person is a new creation - or at least that's how it's translated. I've been wondering of late if what he really means is that when someone is in Christ, that is the new creation. You can read it like this: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ - New Creation! The old is gone, the new is come!" The New Creation is being put on display in front of the Old, in the people who are In Christ (which is always how Paul refers to the status of being a part of the Kingdom). The Church (big C) is supposed to be the place of the breaking-in of the Age to Come into the present age. And when we fail at our vocation of being that demonstration of New Creation, then the Kingdom appears just a bit more weak, just a bit more insubstantial, just a bit more frail and imaginary. And that is something of which to be ashamed and dismayed.

Blog Funk

I think there are three kinds of bloggers: first, there are those who post like mad, chronicling each and every moment and instance of their lives. Or linking to every bit of whatever that someone else has so chronicled. These folks have multiple posts per day and could probably generate daily archives if they so chose. The motto for these folks might be, "More is more." Second, you have folks that post every so often. And, if these folks have been around for a while, they probably post substantive bits that attract attention. Every post is worth reading - but there aren't that many of them, maybe a few a week - and they're fine with that. The motto for these folks is probably, "Less is more." The third kind are the folks who post like the second group but feel the need to post like the first. They feel the lack of content and are self-conscious about it. The motto for these folks is generally, "Less is less." (Ok, there is a group of uber-bloggers who post with the frequency of the first and the substance of the second. They are something more than human. Think Scot McKnight. They have earned the title uber-blogger, and mere mortals cannot aspire to their greatness.)

I definitely fall into the third category. I'm self-conscious about blogging, and I definitely feel the lack when there isn't any new content. I take it personally when people drop subscriptions and whatnot. And I'm self-critical about what I write, going back and tweaking word choices and punctuation in a way that probably borders on OCD. But I'm also not much of a linker - I'd much rather write my own stuff than put up a bunch of links to other people's content. Not that I'm disparaging such by any means - I find the most helpful stuff by following links from people who are good at filtering content. It's just not me.

So I know there's been a lack of stuff here of late. I've got a half-finished series that's sitting on the back burner and I owe another post on a group blog that I was invited to participate in. It's just not there. I don't think I've ever had a funk like this in three and a half years of blogging. In truth, the blog is just one of the symptoms - I'm not reading anything exciting and I'm not really thinking anything original or challenging. I'm at a point where it feels like I'm having the same conversations over and over, and I'm bored with them. Cynicism has been running high of late - part of why I'm not writing much is that I try to leave as much of that off the blog as I can (although it creeps in from time to time anyway). I feel like I've spent a long time trying to hold some things together that I just can't hold any longer, and it's not been pleasant. I am less hopeful for the future of the American church than I have been for a long time. From where I sit, the two primary interpretations of the gospel (depending on the stream in which one swims) seem to be either:

1) You suck, and you need to follow Jesus so that you can suck less. Oh, and vote Republican.

Or

2) Don't be mean to people. Oh, and don't vote Republican.

To be honest, I'm not buying either. And most other folks around here aren't either, those that haven't downed the Kool-aid anyway. There needs to be something bigger than that - no, that's not accurate. There is something bigger than that, at least in the scriptures I read. I just can't seem to figure out why there's so much difficulty in articulating it. Why do we sell out for such small, pathetic stories? Why is it so hard to read the text and walk away thinking, "The Kingdom has come, and it changes everything?" That, if anything, seems to be pretty straightforward.

I had a great conversation with someone at work recently, talking about social networking and how it could be used to alleviate poverty and bring resources to bear on local issues. And I mentioned that one of the natural venues for such networking to my mind is local faith communities. Her response was that she simply doesn't know enough people who have any interest in church or religion for that to be viable. I suggested that perhaps one reason that folks were tuning out is that religion in America has so often had nothing to say about daily life, about offering resources for doing things like helping the poor in local neighborhoods and about making sense of work and family and connecting faith with how we live in the everyday. I know that's a generalization, but I think it's true to many folks' experiences. And my conversation partner thought it was a valid observation and something to consider, so I take it that it's true to her experience as well. I know that it's true to mine. We're fortunate enough to be a part of a wonderful local church that we absolutely love - but based on a lot of anecdotal evidence that I encounter, I think it's the exception, unfortunately.

I don't know - I need to find something to get the juices flowing again, to generate some excitement and impetus to keep imagining. Right now, it's just not there. And I mean that in a bigger sense than just this little old blog.

Back

My hand is healing nicely - many thanks to those of you who dropped by. The burns have healed much more rapidly than I had expected; I'm able to function normally with no pain and only a small amount of discomfort. I still don't have 100% of the feeling back in my fingers where the most severe burns were, but I expect that to return soon.

On another note, I have a new theory about communicable diseases. I suspect that most germs would quickly die out were it not for toddlers. I've taken to calling Ryan (my 13-month old) the Petri dish. Not only will he put nearly anything in his mouth, thus ensuring that he will catch the maximum number of bugs, but he has tiny sinus cavities, resulting in an endless stream of toxic sludge for the duration of his cold. Of course, I've been hammered by his latest catch for the past several days, which for me means that I can't breathe, I can't sleep, and I'm running a near-constant low grade headache. Still, that's beginning to improve as well, and I hope to be back up to speed within a few days.

All of that to say that posting should now return to normal. I'm continuing to think about the subject of scriptural tensions - I've been taking my time with these, because I find that they need a bit more care than I'm used to taking with my writing. This is, I think, fitting on some level, but it has meant that I've been working through this more slowly than I'd like. After this, I have a few book reviews that I've promised to do, and then I want to start to delve into the question of the gospel - what is it, how does it function in the NT, and what does it look like in our world? I also should have some updates soon on where we are with the church planting process - this has also been proceeding slowly, but we're starting to round a few corners and, if all goes well, it should be picking up steam soon.

Time Away

I've been lax in responding to comments this week - we've taken some time to visit my wife's family and internet access is a bit dicey here. It's been an interesting week - we took some time today to tour the American Museum of Natural History in NYC, which was fantastic, and of course it's been nice to spend time with family that we don't see very often. Lowlights include spending most of Monday making a batch of chicken stock only to have my mother-in-law wash a pot and empty the soapy water into the cooling stock. Also, NYC is a pain in the tail. Seriously. I don't know what it is about the place that prompts such overinflated prices, but there isn't a bacon cheeseburger on the planet that's worth the $15 I dropped on one today.

At any rate, I'll be back on Monday. Responses will be spotty until then. Best wishes for a fantastic New Year!

Play On, Jazz Man

This was one of those weeks that sneaks up from behind and clobbers you repeatedly with a blunt object. I've felt more drained this week than I have for a long time; on all fronts, it seems, I've felt stretched and stressed. The project that I'm leading at work has reached the point where my team takes on the bulk of the work. And it's been rough - we're testing a data warehouse, but we've had environment issues aplenty, which means that we'll try to log onto the system to complete our tests only to find that the system is down and we can't log on. What's happened as a result is that I've had to take on more of the individual effort than I'd anticipated, which isn't good for me or for the team. Because my team will be using the system once it elevates, I'd rather have them more involved in testing now - but that hasn't really happened, and there's not much I can do about it, except keep treading water.

I don't write about work often - I have a good job, meaning that I do interesting things for good people, even if at times I struggle with wanting to do something more meaningful. But this week it's really been kicking my tail. Which leads to the other item on my plate - today I was scheduled for an assessment session to determine whether I'd be a good fit as a church planter with the BiC. I was really pumped about this, if a bit apprehensive, but it also meant a bit of extra work on my part. I've been doing personality assessments and typing up a bio and something of a visioning proposal - I'm not sure what else to call it, basically a rough sketch of what it is that I want to do. For some reason, I had such a hard time pulling it together. Maybe it's just that I'm trying to put into words something that's only existed as a half-baked dream in the back of my head for such a long time, or maybe it's that this represents the first concrete step in moving that dream into reality. I'm not sure why, exactly, but it was more effort than I anticipated. However, I got a call yesterday that there was a mixup in the scheduling of the assessment, and that I was going to be bumped back to January. On the one hand, this is a good thing, as my wife will be able to participate (that was the reason for the reschedule); on the other hand, now I'm waiting two months. It's not a big deal, really - it was a bit of miscommunication and I completely understand what happened, so I'm not complaining in the least. It's more of the feeling of a bit of air being let out of my balloon, so to speak.

On the other hand, I celebrated my birthday this week. I don't really make a big deal out of birthdays - it's just a day, just a number. Thirty-two isn't exactly a milestone to get excited about. But to be honest, this was a good birthday. We went out for pizza as a family on Thursday, and then my wife and I were able to have an actual date last night. And she surprised me by springing for something that I've been wanting for a while - a nice Global santoku. Now, I'm of the opinion that a block of expensive knives that sit on a person's counter but never get used for their proper purposes is a real waste. But I'm also convinced that there are some things that are not worth buying cheaply. A cheap knife that cannot be sharpened properly and that does not hold its edge is also a real waste. I think that one finely crafted blade is worth more than a dozen specialty tools that do not work properly - and this santoku is one finely crafted blade. It's a bit shorter than a typical chef's knife, coming in at about 7 inches. But I love the shape, as I feel like I get more use of the edge and more control of the tip. Global's edge has more curve than some, which makes it a fine tool for chopping as well as slicing. And the balance is perfect - the center of gravity is precisely at the bolster, which means the blade and handle are of equal weight, making it easy to control. I've had a shorter version for a while now that I've been using as a utility knife, and I'm completely sold on the shape and on the quality of the work that Global produces. I have no doubt that this will replace my chef's knife as my go-to blade of choice.

(Have I ever mentioned that I love to cook?)

Tonight, I've had a chance to sit and sip some tea while enjoying Dexter Gordon's Tangerine. Everyone else is asleep; the only thing that I hear is the skillful jazz riffs of a saxophonist who was able to do what he loved. The only thing I'm missing is my pipe - but that's a small thing. A chance to pause for breath, to reflect and to recharge - that, on the other hand, is a great thing.

Picking Up Steam

About a month ago, I mentioned that I had had a very encouraging conversation that had awakened a long-dormant dream that I've held for a number of years now. At the time, I was hesitant to say much - it seemed too good to be true. But this week I had another meeting, and things are picking up steam. I'm starting to believe this thing might actually happen. And I'm excited, more excited than I've been in some time.

Here's what's going on: I've now had several conversations with a local guy who oversees the regional church planting organization for the Brethren in Christ. And things look really good. I'm going to take part in some assessments in a few weeks, something that will give them (and me) a feel for whether I have the right skills/gifts/etc. And that's a good thing - at one time I probably would have balked at such an approach because it doesn't seem very organic. But then again I've seen enough of this sort of thing crash and burn because the wrong people were in the wrong place at the wrong time, so I respect that they want to use wisdom in this, and frankly I want the feedback from folks that have already done this sort of thing. The last thing I want is to get into something that I'm not equipped to handle.

I was surprised at how well my theology meshes with theirs. That's been one of my concerns - I've wanted to find a tradition where I'll fit, where I won't constantly feel as though I need to apologize for my take on things, and I get the sense that I'd actually find a theological home there. And in terms of planting, they're really embracing the missional movement. They don't look for a particular form but have congregations under their umbrella that range from the very traditional to some really exciting emerging-type communities. (That's not to say the other congregations aren't exciting as well. But there would be a lot of freedom in terms of the approach that we could take, and that's exciting. ;)

Of course, there's still quite a bit of road ahead. The assessment could determine that I'm not a good fit for them, or as I learn more about the group I might find some things that would cause me to rethink. But I don't get that sense. I have a settled feeling about this, something that for me is unusual enough that I'm paying attention. If the assessment goes well, then we'll have some more talks and start to work our way towards a strategy, not to mention pulling a team together. Then the work begins - for now, I'm reading, thinking, dreaming, and praying. And if you see this site start to make a shift in emphases, don't be surprised - more to come!

Serendipity

I've debated about whether or not to post this. It's way premature. Anything could happen. The whole thing could fall through. I might discover that it's not for me. Others might decide I'm not for them. Maybe nobody else will want to play. Maybe I can't do this. Maybe I'm just kidding myself.

You see, one of the things that has kept me going through the past several years of indecision, confusion, pain, and angst about my experiences in student ministry and subsequent exit has been this half-baked dream in the back of my head about something improbable. I've thought, on and off for probably eight years or more, that I wanted to be a part of planting a church. I've held that thought through two less than stellar staff experiences, and then through a time when I thought the dream was dead for good. I held those dreams in one hand on more than one occasion, spade in the other, prepared to bury them and move on. I've clung to them when it seemed the only thing keeping me going was an irrational, intuitive belief that they were not dead, only asleep. I've argued with God about them on more than one occasion, yelled and ranted and raved and sobbed and simply sat in sullen silence. I've hauled them out of bed every morning as I headed off to a job that I never expected to take. I've drug them to bed with me at night after staying up far too late reading tales from others who have pursued their dreams as I sit and watch and wait.

I have other dreams also - dreams of further study, of more letters to follow my name, of books and papers and lectures and classes and teaching. I've carried that set of dreams alongside the first, as both of them have seemed about equally probable. Lately, though, I've been thinking that my path would carry me out of vocational ministry entirely, taking me into the world of academics and further study, pursuing one set of dreams while abandoning the other for good. But that path has also remained closed - the money is all wrong, I'm not ready academically without additional coursework in languages, and foremost, my kids have watched me do homework for long enough. In other words, what seemed the most likely path is also the most costly, and it's coin that I can ill afford to pay. I don't want my kids growing up as academic orphans.

However, this week I had a meeting, a not-quite-random encounter that has changed many things. I heard words of encouragement, of welcome, of shared purpose and vision, and of possibility. Tentative words, words that mean more conversation must follow. But a nearly abandoned dream has started to awaken, and I feel alive. It's a good feeling. It means that, perhaps, I've done the right thing in guarding this nearly-expired hope against extinction.

I may be getting way ahead of myself. This might not happen, and I might be all wrong.

But maybe not.

Clearing My Thoughts

There are a few reasons that I'm a miserable blogger. For one, I get stuck on a topic and run it into the ground. I'm fine with that, don't get me wrong - when that happens, it's typically something that I'm muddling my way through, and this serves as a forum to get my thoughts in order and to put them out for input or critique. But on the other hand, I do at times tend to burn out on a topic. Spencer's book is a case in point. I actually have a few more thoughts that I think I need to pull together, but I needed to step away for a few days to clear my brain. I'm rarely as negative as I've been about that book, and it's not a place that I really enjoy. And there are some positives that I think the book brings to the table as well - for me, though, they're buried in a lot of other stuff that I find bothersome and, at times, disturbing, and not in a good sense. So I wanted to think about the positives as well, to offer some balance to what I've said thus far. So, my head is much clearer now, and I hope to finish my thoughts on the book this week.

On another note, somewhere along the line this blog became a book blog. And I'm fine with that too, on some level - I read voraciously, probably more than anyone else that I know personally, and a lot of what I've been reading recently has been quite formative. But a few months ago a friend of mine was busting my chops about the praxis part of theopraxis - he said it's more like "reflecting about reflective action". And there's just enough truth in there, jesting aside, that it stuck in my head and has been bothering me ever since. Truth is that, when I stepped out of youth ministry two years ago, I was so burnt out that it's taken me the time since to recuperate. And now that I'm itching to get involved again, I can't seem to find a niche. Spiritual journey makes for a fun metaphor, but it's a pain in the tail to have to experience - especially when the destination is rather vague. Bottom line - frustration is a lousy writing partner. Hence the books - at least interacting with someone else's work provides something of a nudge towards constructive thought.

As a blogger, I've always been much more a thinker than a linker. The downside to that is that, when your own thoughts aren't worth publishing, then there's not much to fall back on.

New Friend

For those of you who were interested, I've posted a few pics of my new pipe...

Technorati Tags: Butz Choquin, Cybele, pipes

Removing the Label

Tonight I'm enjoying something that I've neglected for far too long. I'm sitting on my deck enjoying a little something that I picked up in London to commemorate my graduation - a new pipe, specifically a Butz Choquin Cybele, if you're interested in such things, a horn-shaped pipe with some really stunning hardwood inlay in front of the stem. This is my maiden voyage with this particular piece of briar, and it's doing quite admirably. It's smoking a bit hot, though, because I'm trying some Rattray's Hal o' the Wynd that's a bit too dry for my liking. It's an older tin that I should just pitch, but I can't seem to bring myself to do so. The problem, though, is that if I don't, I might damage the pipe - it's too dry to smoke at a safe temperature, instead burning hot which carries the risk of damaging the briar in the pipe.

 I've simultaneously been catching up on my blogosphere reading. I'm woefully behind thanks to my recent blog fast - I think I need to just hit reset on the reader and start fresh. But I'm glad I caught a post from James tonight, because it echoes a lot of what I've been thinking of late. James writes this:

It was one of those moments like the first time you look in the mirror and realize that you are no longer 18 years old and in shape. Your mind may try to convince you that you are still in your prime but the mirror reveals that uncomfortable reality. Similarly, I have always seen myself as somewhat "conservative." But during the conversation with Balmer I realized that I have convictions and beliefs that are firmly outside the conservative label. It was like scales fell off my eyes and I began to see for the first time that there is a large group of self identified Christians who would exclude me from their camp because of the views I have of the Christian faith. In fact, there are some who would not even think my views are Christian at all.

This, I think, describes exactly how I've begun to feel over the past year or so. I've come a long way, in my opinion, in my understanding of many things - the gospel, the nature of scripture, the nature of the church, and the way in which my theology informs my politics. And, on so many of these items, I find myself in an awkward position. Because of my commitment to some quite conservative positions, such as the authority of scripture and the confession of Christ as Lord, I can no longer hold to many of the conclusions that conservative theology advances. I take seriously, for example, that Jesus actually intends for us to love our enemies and, consequently, I've become convinced that I can no longer support conservative positions on war. I take seriously, likewise, the authority of scripture and, consequently, I'm left dissatisfied with many conservative articulations of what I take to be extra-biblical statements about those same scriptures. I could go on - my point, however, is less the particular doctrines and more that a commitment to certain conservative positions results in undermining much of the remaining structure. This, at the end of the day, is what troubles me the most.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was reading a book by Peter Enns called Inspiration and Incarnation: Evangelicals and the Problem of the Old Testament. My initial thought was that I was surprised that it hasn't garnered more attention in the blogosphere - it's a fantastic read thus far that I think many who identify with the emerging church would profit from reading. However, as I began to dig a bit, I found that I'm simply not reading the blogs that have discussed it. There's actually been a fair amount of interaction with it, and not all of it supportive, to put things mildly. Mark, a fellow contributor to meremission.org (where I need to actually contribute, I've been thinking ;) has interacted with some of the criticism, much of which has been rather disappointing, to say the least. But I mention this because one thing that I keep reading is that Enns's proposals are not "conservative" - which, I suppose, is to label him as one of those evil "liberals" and thus avoid interacting with what he actually says. Ironically, his book is based on premises with which no conservative would ever argue - the authority and inspiration of scripture. But because the conclusions that he reaches based precisely on those premises are not in keeping with what the gatekeepers of orthodoxy have deemed acceptable, his book is maligned and condemned.

So I find myself in a position where I've been trying to wear a label that really has begun to chafe. I can't stand having to apologize for it or nuance it enough that it fits who I find that I've become. My friend Scott wrote some time ago about something similar - I find that, like him, like James, perhaps it's time to remove the label.

I've put my pipe down for this evening. The pipe performed excellently; however, if I continue, the bad tobacco will ruin it. I'm reminded of an old adage about old tobacco and new pipes - or was that old wine and new wineskins? I think either serves to make the point. Perhaps it's time to move on.

Next Steps

Saturday, my MDiv cohort had our last class together. I thought I was prepared for it - in fact, I was frustrated that I had to be present at all, given that the coursework related to the trip has been less than stimulating. The trip itself, however, was overwhelming on many levels, and I didn't feel as though I'd had much chance to process. However, I knew this would be the last time we'd be together as a cohort, and one of the group had invited everyone over for food and drinks after class, so I thought I'd make the best of it. And I'm glad I did. Saturday evening, though, the realization that I'm finished started to settle in, and I've been in something of a funk ever since. Not only am I going to miss all the fine folks that I've gotten to know so well over the past three years, but I still don't know what the heck I'm going to do next.

The most frustrating question for me for the past couple of years has been, "What are your plans after graduation?" I thought that something would present itself, that I'd have some sense by now of what it is that I'm supposed to be doing, but unfortunately I don't. No plans, no goals, no next steps, other than to finally finish Wright's Jesus and the Victory of God. Monday, I went back to work - a fine job, to be sure, but not a vocation, at least for me. There's no life there, and that's frustrating. I hate being a cog in the wheel, and I hate the feeling that, if I didn't show up to work tomorrow, the world wouldn't even blink. But a man's got to eat, so back to the mines I go.

There's no real point to this, no witty insight or spiritual veneer that I can throw over this to make it seem more presentable. I'm just in a funk, and I'm having trouble writing productive stuff.

Reflections on London

If you're interested, you can find my journal from the London trip here. More thoughts to come but this will provide a sense of what we encountered and experienced.

Home Again

We arrived home from London Tuesday afternoon. I spent Tuesday evening and most of yesterday home with my family, and headed back to the mines today. The trip was incredible on many, many levels - incredibly challenging, encouraging, and overwhelming. I'm still processing a lot of things. I had thought to post reflections during the trip, but to be honest, by the time our days were finished, I was pretty much exhausted, both physically and spiritually. It seemed a good opportunity to take an unplanned blog fast, to allow myself the opportunity to reflect and absorb what we were experiencing.

I did do a bit of journaling while I was there, which I hope to publish in the next day or so. I'll also be sharing my reflections on the trip in a more general sense, as well as some thoughts on ministry, contextualization, and American culture that I've been processing. In any event, things should pick back up to normal around here now. It was a great experience, but I'm also glad to be home.

On the Road Again

Well, I'd hoped to get a bit more content up this week, but I couldn't pull it together. I'm off tonight for a twelve day trip to London. I'm going with my cohort from Biblical; we'll be working with a group from an agency called World Team while we're there. Should be fun but it's a long time to be away from the family. I'm optimistic about being able to get online - from what I understand our hotel has wifi but I haven't confirmed that. If not, things may be sparse for the next week or so.

On a related note, if the schedule allows, I'd love to catch up with some of you folks from London while I'm there - I know there are a few of you out there. ;) Drop me an email if you'd like and we'll try to connect. I don't know our schedule in detail yet but I know we'll have some free time so I'm cautiously optimistic about being able to do so.

Raising Ebenezers

I spent the weekend on retreat with my cohort from Biblical. This was our last retreat together - we've been on the same journey for nearly three years, and soon it will be time to part ways. We graduated a few weeks ago. I didn't mention it at the time because it's something of a formality - we have another class or two to complete and a missions trip that we'll be taking together next month, so we haven't actually received our degrees yet. Still, in roughly six weeks or so this chapter of my life will have written its conclusion. I'm not, honestly, certain of what that means. I have a lot of stuff floating around in my head at the moment, and little in the way of outlets for it.

It's an odd sort of a thing, I think, to be granted a Master of Divinity. I don't know if the person who came up with the label was intentionally trying to be humorous. If not, it was an extraordinary case of naiveté or hubris, or perhaps some combination of the two. I suspect that, if your approach to theology is largely through definitions and categories, then the label is perhaps tragically appropriate, although I wonder what exactly it will be that you've mastered. Personally, I think it's a poor label. In the time I've been in school, I've realized two things: first, I will never master the Divine; and second, what I actually need is to be mastered by the Divine instead. And, third, I suppose I've come to realize, at least in part, how far I am from either.

Still, it's been a worthwhile pursuit. I've grown immensely in some ways, been stretched nearly as far as I was able to be stretched, and kept my faith intact - no mean feat given some of what has taken place over the past few years, but that's another tale. I've rethought nearly everything that's been available to rethink. In fact, this blog itself was itself a result of seminary; I began blogging two and a half years ago at the promptings of a fellow cohort member. It's served me well - my own collection of Ebenezers, in some sense, bearing witness to the work of the Spirit in my life. Now, I raise another, marking the passage between the chapter that has been and one that is yet to be written.

The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace.

On Retreat

Once again, life catches up with me, and I'm behind in posting. Ah, well - nothing to be done about it now. I'm away on retreat for the next few days. I'll respond to emails and comments when I return.

Quick Update

I took something of a blog fast this weekend. I didn't realize how badly I needed a weekend of just vegetating - it was wonderful. I have a few things on my plate for this week. I want to finish my thoughts on Stetzer's categories - the last post should go up tonight. I also have several books on my stack that I've been wanting to blog about, so I think the next week or two will be dedicated to finishing those thoughts. I'm also hoping to get a few surprises in there as well - we'll see if that materializes (it's looking good, but I'll not say more at this point).

Huzzah!

I just submitted my last assignment for my next-to-last course at Biblical. Well, technically, I also have a missions trip in June that has some course work attached to it, but I'm not counting that. ;) I've loved this program - it's been formative in more ways than I could possibly have imagined. But I'm also ready to be finished so that I can have a semblance of a life again, maybe even get more than six hours of sleep a night.

Would I do it again? Absolutely. Say what you want about seminary education, Biblical is doing some fantastic stuff with their programs. I can't tell you how deeply this has changed the way that I think about faith and scripture and community and theology and lots more. Still, it will be nice to be able to read at my leisure and to not have coursework sucking up my time like a black hole. One course + one trip = one happy seminary student.

I'm Back

Great weekend - I've basically done nothing since Friday. And I needed it. Between my family, a full-time job, and a full-time course load, I'm actually just glad to be functional - I've been pushing myself pretty close to the edge of what I can endure lately. By the middle of last week, I had run out of steam. Fortunately, I graduate in a few short weeks, so it's basically an endurance run at this point. At any rate, I'm back up to speed now, so regular posting resumes tomorrow. ;)

The Wall

I've hit the wall this week. I'm exhausted - physically and mentally. Plus, I've been nursing just enough of a cold to make me really miserable, while not being enough to warrant taking time off. Anyway - point is that I'm not getting my next post on the suburbs finished until Saturday. The topic is too important to slop together, and I can't think straight right now. ;) Be back in a day or two.

Ever Have That Feeling...

...like you've been punched in the gut? The one after a conversation you never thought you'd have, for example?

Today I had a chance to meet with some folks from Westminster Theological Seminary (yes,that Westminster) to talk about their PhD program, in particular the apologetics concentration. Now, some of you who have been dropping by for a while now are probably scratching your head. For one, I'm not Reformed. Not by a long shot - I'm about a 1.75 point Calvinist, last I checked, which makes me about as Reformed as Dick Cheney is a good shot. For another, apologetics might seem like an odd sort of pursuit for me, given my approach to all things rational and provable. But Westminster has a few things going for it - for one, it's one of the most academically rigorous seminaries around; for another, they have a cultural apologetics track that seems, from what I gathered, to take issues of contextualization seriously.

So I had a very nice lunch with the head of the apologetics program, thanks to one of my professors at Biblical (a Westminster grad and a capital fellow by all accounts). We talked for a while about their program, and, while I'm not sure it's a good fit yet, I at least was interested in learning more. But then we dropped by the admissions office to chat with the director of admissions about the language requirements. And that's the less happy conversation that's left me feeling like a complete loser - the guy basically said that my degree isn't considered an appropriate MDiv for their program, and he wouldn't even consider me for admissions. What's the issue? For one, I don't have biblical languages in my program. No problem there; I knew that was an issue going into the thing and planned to supplement with additional coursework. But the second hangup I never saw coming. He said I lacked the systematic theology requirements for admission.

Ok, step back for a second - I've read their catalogue, and nowhere in there does it talk about systematic theology. Now, I'm learning that they want 12 credits of graduate work in systematics. See, at Biblical they scrapped the systematic theology in the program in which I'm enrolled because the theology is all integrated with biblical studies. So we don't talk about the doctrine of the church in the abstract - we read Galatians and develop a theology of the church from the biblical text. We read Genesis and talk about sin; we read the Gospels and talk about social justice. That's the approach that my program takes - it's not perfect, to be sure, but I can tell you that I'm walking away from this program with a far greater perspective on how scripture informs my theology, instead of just memorizing some proof texts in a systematic book. It's been a great program, and I've learned a ton - but not, apparently, in the way that they'd like.

So here I am, after thousands of dollars and countless hours of study, being told that I, in essence, didn't get a real degree. "Terminal degree" was the term that he used - meaning it's the end of the line, basically.

But you know what? I'd take my second-class degree any day over one that leaves me ill-prepared to do theology in a rapidly changing context. I just want a chance to prove that I can do it.

They're going to review their requirements and Biblical's curriculum and get back to me, so it's not a closed door yet. But, crap, I thought I had no idea in what direction I was heading before...