Restless
One thing that I always try to do at work is take a lunch break. No doubt some of you are now waiting for me to finish the sentence, but in fact, in my organization's culture, taking a lunch is at times the mark of distinction between one who has nearly reached the apex of his or her climb up the organizational ladder and one who has some distance left. My lunch break is in some sense a mini-Sabbath, a little resistance if you will, a way of structuring my day so that I remember that I am more than a project lead. It keeps me human; it keeps me sane.
My normal practice is to head to the local Starbucks. It's rather pathetic, really - I've been ordering the same thing several times a week for several years. Venti chai, no water, extra chai. Lunch of champions. During the summer, I'll occasionally head elsewhere; there are a few local parks and at least one Presbyterian church in the area that offer out-of-the-way parking and such. What I am really after is not so much food or a hot beverage but rather solitude. The reason that I keep returning to the Paoli Starbucks is that, if you head towards the back of the shop, past the restrooms and up a small staircase, there is another secluded seating area that is often unoccupied. There are three rather comfortable armchairs and a couch, with ample table space besides. This is where I sit and read, reflect and think and occasionally pray.
I've been feeling somewhat restless lately. I'm not sure how to describe it otherwise - I have this sense of growing unease about my current situation that is difficult to put into words. I feel as though I am mentally pacing, waiting anxiously for some news that I'm not quite sure I can identify except to say that I'll know it when I hear it. I feel like I did during childhood when friends were coming to my house but were running a bit late - I'm somewhat jumpy and nervous, and I keep checking the windows to see if their car has turned the corner.
Last week found me sitting alone in that back room at Starbucks, reflecting on this growing restlessness and wondering if I'm not getting enough sleep or if there's something else going on. What happened next was rather odd, enough so that I'm having difficulty ignoring or dismissing it. Into the mix of thoughts and emotions and history and dreams that was running through my head at the time, I quite distinctly remember two words dropping out of nowhere, as though spoken by Someone Else: Be Ready. I've tried to shake the feeling, but it hasn't resolved - in some sense, I feel more restless now than ever.
Be ready? What does THAT mean?!?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
scott, i laugh a triumphant laugh, one of inclusion, and gut-level humor.
i don't recall if you were in our (informal) discussion at this last retreat, but Terry and Walter, Jayne, Brian, myself, and ???, were sharing after the last Sat night session. of course, i construed everything people shared through my own lens of what i wanted to hear, but i seriously heard a common theme from what everyone was sharing. i think terry heard something like, "be free. push out of the box" during worship; i shared about my current growth in the area of willingness to "risk" with God; brian shared... darn it, something that made me think God was calling him and Chrissy to something more, soon.
what i heard over and over was this sense that God is on the move. that something is ahead for each of us. It might be simply that we are all nearing the time when we should start thinking about next steps (one more year, baby!), but i also can't shake the feeling that it's more than that.
So scott, i confirm what you heard: Be Ready, brother, Be Ready. :)
on a completely unrelated note, i just noticed, for the first time (and it's probably been up there since the beginning, but, call me slow...) your link off to the right to
"Exclusion and Embrace: A Theological Exploration of Identity, Otherness, and Reconciliation by Volf Miroslav, Miroslav Volf"
i noticed it for the chiasmatic double listing of the author's names. it made me laugh, too (i seem to laugh often, of late), but mostly because of a couple of (great) uncles i knew growing up: Uncle Miroslav, and Uncle Slavomir - my grandmother's brothers. it cracks me up to this day.
have a good night! i'm toiling away on my project.. *sigh*
Posted by kristi on June 7, 2005 01:47 AMOh Yes! Mystery, expectation, and wonder that comes from the moment of "come apart and rest awhile". Almost as if the Spirit was looking about and saying which ones are required for the next project of Kingdom purpose. And They said you were chosen! Enjoy the adventure.
Posted by stephanie on June 7, 2005 10:01 AMKristi - I missed that conversation; that was probably during poker for mentos. ;) I confess to being somewhat freaked out. As to Mr. Volf, I have no idea why Amazon can't get his name right - that gets pulled from a direct feed from Amazon, primarly b/c I'm too lazy to code it myself. (He's really only one person, Miroslav Volf.) And the thing w/ your uncles is a riot.
Stephanie - adventure it will be ;). Thanks for the thoughts!
Posted by ScottB on June 7, 2005 10:29 PMyeah i figured you were gambling away your lifetime stash of Mentos and Fig Newtons.
but, no really, we had that conversation... i even confirmed it with Terry "Out of the Box" is what she heard. :) and she felt great when she heard it..
Good times are ahead, Boy-o! and be freaked out all you want, but they are a-comin'! so even if freaked, at least Be Ready.
oh and remind me to tell you the shofar story. it's a little "much" (read: "inappropriate"), but it also makes me crack up! and i looooove a good shofar sounding... but this one was too much...
uh, "yay charismatics"?
Posted by kristi on June 8, 2005 03:00 PMYes I did hear that-not audibly of course-LOL-but in my spirit-I had just been telling my husband that I felt like I was in a box-at church and other such things and as we were worshipping -Out of the Box-heard it in my spirit-Just happened to check your blog today-too funny-so i will confirm with Kristi-be ready..T
Posted by terry on June 8, 2005 04:07 PMfirst, kudos on your Starbucks order.. Venti Chai.. oh yes, wise choice.
be ready? hmmm .. God is up to something, without a doubt. i think your intentional quiet moments will make you available to listen, so i affirm you on your moments of pause throughout the day.
moments of peace.. jeff
Posted by so i go on June 9, 2005 08:54 AMThanks all for your thoughts. It's especially interesting to hear something of a shared sense of anticipation among us pyros (long-running joke from our MDiv Cohort, of which Kristi and Terry are a part).
Jeff - chai is the fifth food group. I'm convinced. ;)
Posted by ScottB on June 10, 2005 10:51 AM