Tension

Things have been sparse around here lately. Have you ever had one of those experiences where you feel like you and God have had a fight, and there's some tension in the relationship? Sort of like an unresolved argument with your significant other, I suppose. That's more or less where I am. I don't so much know how to even pray about it, because it's sort of vague. But it does make thinking about theology a bit odd at the moment. I do feel as though I need to discipline myself to continue to write and pray as a way of walking through where I am, though. Perhaps I'll take a stab at that. As always, your prayers are most welcome.

Domestication

Being married is an amazing thing. This August my wife and I will celebrate our ninth anniversary. It seems odd at the ripe old age of twenty nine to be saying that, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. We've had our ups and downs like any marriage, but in spite of everything she remains loving, supportive, affectionate, and true.

Marriage does bring changes, however. It is more difficult, for example, to find time to enjoy cigars with friends, not least because she can't stand them. I can't rent exclusively from the Action section; sometimes I am forced to watch movies starring Hugh Grant or Kate Hudson. Most of these things do not bother me. I think that, most of the time, I am a mature, reasonable, compromising adult. However, occasionally something comes up that never fails to challenge my cooperative nature. Any man who has been involved in a long-term, committed relationship can identify. Inevitably, The Errand will rear its ugly head - the innocent request to head to the local store and purchase feminine products.

I'm not sure what it is about purchasing tampons that is so anathema to a man. It's not as though we are concerned that our sexuality will be called into question. But it never fails - The Errand produces stress, anxiety, and embarassment in the strongest man. Frequently, the man sent on The Errand will attempt to mask his true purpose by purchasing large amounts of more "masculine" items. If you are standing behind a man at SuperFresh who has five pounds of beef, two gallons of ketchup, and three cases of beer, it's almost a guarantee that a package of Kotex is nestled between the beverage and condiments. When I'm standing behind such a man and I'm feeling particularly mischevous, I'll start whistling the familiar refrain from Sesame Street: "One of these things is not like the others..."

I suspect that the primary reason that men fear The Errand is that it is a sure indicator of domestication. Even the best of us manages to maintain some sort of illusion of independence and freedom. This image is incompatible with The Errand. There is only one reason for purchasing feminine products if you are a man, and that is the feminine person waiting for you to return. It's hard to be cool when on The Errand. Did John Wayne ever run down to the general store for tampons? Hell no. William Wallace wasn't stopping at Safeway on the way home from battle, that's for sure.

I think the part of me that fears domestication should understand something about God better than it does. In reality, I prefer a domesticated deity, one who is at my beck and call and who will help me pursue my agenda of comfort and security. When I am confronted with a God who is anything but tame, I am at a loss. I feel as though He has failed to keep a part of our agreement, that He's not upholding his end of the bargain. It's as though He isn't playing by the rules. It's interesting that Job finds himself in such a situation and demands an explanation. After nearly forty chapters, God does show up - and refuses to answer the question. Instead, Job gets a blunt reminder of who is tame and Who is not, and considers himself well answered.

I wonder if Job stopped at the store on the way home.

Busy

I'm still here. My summer semester is wrapping up and a key project at work is nearing implementation, so things are a bit hectic at the moment. I'm working on a few things that I hope to post something from later this week.

On my church situation, my wife and I are trying to decide what this means for us long term - do we stay at the church, or not? It's a tough decision with a lot of factors on both sides. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Support

I think a mark of true and deep friendship is the ability to pick up where you've left off, no matter what time or distance has passed. Only occasionally are we blessed with such relationships, and I have been blessed more than once. A good friend dropped in for a visit this weekend. There is something sacred about true friends enjoying a fine Cohiba (a real Cuban, obtained on a recent trip) while talking theology and ministry. Rob is such a friend, one who has walked with me in dark hours and does so still, although our visits are now few and far between. In troubled times, there is no substitute for caring friends.

Tonight I saw Spiderman 2 with another friend. Paul is my movie buddy - we don't get together as often as I'd like, but you can be sure that we'll have a pair of tickets for any movies that catch our interest. It was very well done - I was quite impressed. One scene, in particular, stood out to me. Be warned if you don't like spoilers (it's just a little one). There is one scene where Spiderman is fighting Doc Ock on the top of a runaway train. It's a classic comic book setup - the evil villain has disabled the controls and the train is hurtling toward its doom. Of course, Spiderman is able to stop the train, nearly killing himself in the process. But then a great scene happens - as he is about to collapse, all of the passengers begin to lift him up and pass him over their heads to the rear of the car where he can begin to recover.

One of the great things that happens when we struggle, if we are fortunate, is that others lift us up and carry us. They protect us when our masks come off and support us when we can no longer stand on our own. I have had a number of people carrying me over the past few weeks. Some have stopped by here to leave thoughts and prayers, which have meant more than I can say. I am doing better, but still have some decisions ahead of me. On some level, though, I am surprisingly hopeful. Perhaps it is time for me to put down the broken dreams of my own crafting and begin to wait on God. I will have more to say soon.

Thank you for carrying me.